We all remember where we were when Magic Johnson announced his retirement from the NBA in 1991, and I’m sure you guys feel the same way about when I announced my retirement from blogging in December. It just didn’t seem fair. A legendary career snuffed out while still in its prime.

Well, ever since that announcement, I’ve been mulling over exactly what I wanted to do. Could I really hang up my Macbook Air? Could I really keep quiet over the success of lesser talents? Would The Bachelor even stay on the air without me propping it up for the last 10 years?

These were difficult questions for me to wrestle with, but I’m happy to tell you that I did come up with some answers.

I am in fact done recapping The Bachelor. I’ve said all that could be said. I always feel like I’m making jokes I’ve done before. And it really kills my Monday nights because that’s also when my basketball league is, and let’s face it, my team needs me and needs my laser like focus.

In a related note, I’ve been working on my Dirk Nowitzki one leg step back mid-range jumper, and it is extremely effective. I’m actually starting to feel bad for defenders.

I’ll be honest though, it’s gonna be tough missing out on the Kaitlyn and Britt team up. It’s almost like The Bachelor Gods are fucking with me. That is borderline irresistible. But resist, I will. Of course I’m still gonna watch though. I’ve been watching The Real World since 1992!!! Many of you are younger than how long I’ve been watching The Real World. These ho’s ain’t loyal, but I am! I will stick with The Bachelor ’till the bitter end, when they’re bringing out Juan Pablo for a 2nd and 3rd go around and Brad (or is it Chad?!) for his tenth!

As for non-Bachelor related items, that’s a little tougher. So I’m gonna leave the door open to that. It might mean 1 post a month or 1 post a year, maybe less than that. But if there’s something I just have to get out there, that must be shared, I know I have notes from a hack here to share it.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for your comments. Thanks for 10 great years.

Please, it is not necessary to leave any goodbye comments. You already did that back in December, and I’m not trying to be a drama queen about it. And it isn’t goodbye, it’s a, “maybe I’ll see ya later”.

The Opportunity to Be A Housewife: The Bachelor, Ep. 5

Riding high, guys. Just hit the game winning 3 to win my basketball game tonight. The only thing that can make this night better is Kelsey dying on the floor of The Bachelor mansion. Let’s see if that happens…

We’re in Santa Fe. I’m sure Kelsey, is like “WTF??! I was expecting Prague”. He’s a farmer, bitch! He doesn’t have a passport. Megan is excited because she’s heard it’s a “resort, beach place”. And because she’s “never been out of the country”. Good news, Megan, your streak continues!

The first one on one goes to Carly, who gets death stares from everyone else. Fucking Ashley I. continues to be the worst, she said she needed the one on one “more than anyone else”. Let’s close Gitmo and make the prisoners get married to Ashley, I honestly can’t think of a worse torture. “Been married to Ashley for 6 months, I really regret doing 9/11”.

Carly and Chris go to a house and meet a meditating lady with awful bangs. Maybe getting too relaxed is a bad thing, cause you neglect your hair care. Oh wait, she’s a love guru. You saw how well that worked out for Mike Myers.

They do some breathing exercises. I think this is lamaze. Chris can now more comfortably have a baby. Spent a good minute trying to figure out if the Guru has a nose ring or a booger. Damn, it’s a ring. Chris gets blindfolded and Carly rubs his body then feeds him a chocolate covered strawberry. Arousing and delicious.

Then it’s Chris’ turn and the Guru says “Chris, you’re gonna come around the hips and then go into her thighs”. Done and done. I think Carly left her lips back in Los Angeles. She needs a Kylie Jenner, stat. The Guru advises them to take their clothes off and Carly objects: “I don’t take my clothes off for anyone”. Even your doctor? Is she Mormon?

Oh wait, some clothes shedding happens and the titties are out!!! Of course I’m talking about Chris’. Every year climbers die falling off the face of those pecs. This is the least sexy thing in the world. Carly calls it “the worst date”. I LOVE everyone hating the dates. Carly kinda blew it. She should’ve just laughed and had fun with it. I mean, Chris should have too, but he’s a humorless goober who was born without the ability to open his mouth.

The Guru finally gets it done by having Carly mount Chris and then not kiss him. Which is a near impossible task for Chris, who would make out with a grilled cheese sandwich if it got close enough to him.

Carly hasn’t fucked anyone in a year and a half. Her last boyfriend, of 2 years, “would not touch me”. Uh, red flag! Dude, are we sure she’s not Mormon? Cause maybe that guy was like one of those dudes from “My Husband’s Not Gay”. She’s real insecure about her looks. I’m insecure about her looks when she’s not wearing eye makeup.

Chris is worried that the ladies won’t want to move to the farm with him. That is the right thing to be worried about.Seriously though, can’t people from Iowa just move? Side note: I wish there could be a show about Carly’s boyfriend not fucking her.

Group date. Yey, Kaitlyn is here! It’s at the Rio Grande River, because everything must be awful to prep them for farm life. I wonder if Kelsey will approve of this river. She’s a river stickler. Megan is here and she must be wondering where the infinity pool and gardeners are #mexico

They go down some white water rapids, and Jade goes overboard. Thankfully, she has plenty of flotation devices. Uh oh, Jade claims she has some sort of condition where she gets hypothermia in normal weather. I think that condition is called “being a pussy”. I have it too. My feet get a degree below room temp and it’s hot bath time for me.

Later in the date, they’re at a hotel. Chris is coming to see his dates, when he is ambushed by a girl who was eliminated in week 2! It’s Jordan! Is she cuter than I remember? Wait, she’s the drunk ass. She’s dried out and looks better! She drove from Colorado to see him. That was a DUI waited to happen. I’m so confused about this. Give her a chance! Now she’s bringing up God! Get rid of her!!! Maybe the 13th step in AA is letting the Bachelor producers coerce you into making an embarrassing reappearance on the show.

Chris tells us that he sent her home because she was a drunk. Yep. But this new, hot, mature version is changing his mind. Chris tells her he’s not one to judge because he LOVES drinking. Pretty sure he’s got some DUIs under his belt too. Amazing moment: he comes walking up arm in arm with Jordan to the other women, and their brains explode. Would be so awesome if he’s like, “hey, sorry girls, but Jordan came back and she’s better looking now, so I’m gonna hang with her. The rafts will take you back up river”.

Wow, he’s letting her stay on this date. They cut to Jordan drinking something! Is that a vodka? Chris gets alone time with Ashley I., and of course she uses her time to shit on Jordan. Fuck you, Ashley! They’re “fundamentally different”, yeah, Jordan is fun and you’re not.

Meanwhile, Jordan has to sit with the tribal council of angry bitches telling her how their journey is more important. Chris gets annoyed because the only thing the women want to talk about is Jordan instead of their relationship. Ugh, a cool chick would’ve taken advantage of this situation. I’m disappointed in Kaitlyn.

Ashley: “I want people to admit that we don’t want her here”

Ashley: “In the top 11, you sort of have to think selfishly”. Bitch, you only think selfishly.

Whitney is the only one coming off well here and it’s only because she’s friends with Jordan. Chris finally pulls Jordan away and tells her she has to split. And she’s totally cool about it. He seems a little bummed. As he should be, maybe he doesn’t like her but now he realizes everyone else is horrible.

It should be noted: Samantha is on this group date, and SHE STILL HASN’T SPOKEN A WORD.

Gross!!! She hugs people goodbye, and Kelsey whispers, “I’ll always admire you”. That was frightening.

IMG_4767“I know it was you, Jordan. You broke my heart”. 

Chris: “I totally admire her effort”. He sounds like Pete Carroll talking about Ricardo Lockette.

With the date in shambles, Chris gives the rose to…JORDAN! Whoa! Didn’t see that coming. Just kidding, it goes to Whitney, the only one who managed to not completely melt down.

Ashley: “Whitney…I literally looked at her on the boat earlier today and thought, ‘I don’t have to worry about that‘”. Guess you do, virgin.

It’s week 5 and Samantha still has not spoken! This is not a joke. It’s one of the most impressive performances I’ve ever seen. It’s basically the equivalent of Cal Ripken playing in 2,632 consecutive games. She’s the iron mute.

YES! Whitney: “I don’t think Ashley is pretending to be someone she’s not…and that’s the scary thing”. Team Whitney just added a member.

Carly: “Britt hasn’t showered in weeks”. We finally know what Michelle Money was talking about!! But seriously though, why hasn’t she showered in weeks?

Britt’s one on one involves heights so she starts crying just thinking about it. She must not work at the restaurant at the top of Mandalay Bay. She can only take ground level waitressing jobs. So limiting.

Chris sneaks into their room way early in the morning and wakes Britt up. And she’s in full makeup! What the hell?? I must document this.


That might be the greatest photo I’ve ever taken. How is there not lipstick all over the sheets? So she still hasn’t showered? Chris remarks on how Britt looks just as beautiful as ever even though she’s sleeping. Yeah, cause she’s in full face gear, dude. I know someone else who sleeps in full makeup, his name? The Joker. This won’t end well.

Oh. Carly notes that Britt always sleeps in full makeup “just in case”. Genius! She’s operating at a higher level than everyone. She’d be the girl that tells the ball boys to take a little air out before the game. She’s Bill Belichick’s brain and Tom Brady’s beautiful face all rolled into one!

Britt breathes a sigh of relief because it’s looking like the date is a hot air balloon ride and not jumping off a cliff. They have a magical ride and Chris is acting like she’s the one. Back at the hotel, the women continue to discuss Britt’s lack of showering. They speculate that maybe Chris “likes ’em dirty”. And then they cut to Chris taking Britt back to his place where he might do some sniffing.

Ashley spills the beans to everyone that Britt was talking about how much she loves being single and isn’t in a rush to get married or have kids. Sorry, but I don’t believe anything Ashley says. But back to the date, as Britt tells Chris she wants “a hundred kids”. Yeah, she’s definitely a fucking fake ass liar. She’s “playing the game”, as they say. But she’s hot so we’re all fine with it.

Britt is acting way too excited over everything. “Oh my God, this is a hotel room! I’ve never seen one before! And this is a rose?! From a garden?! There’s more to the date?! I’ve never been on more to a date before!!”

Britt comes back and rubs it in their faces. Kelsey: “I think that Britt’s date with Chris today diminished the importance of my relationship with him.” Huh? So she goes to Chris’ room to discuss the fact that he had the nerve to go on a date with someone else. She’s somehow making this all about her. And we’re about to get WIDOW STORY NUMBER 2!

She prefaces it by saying that she “doesn’t have any bad news for you”. Yeah, tell the dead guy it’s not bad news.

I’m pretty sure that Kelsey is basically straight up saying that she needed to tell this story this week to secure a rose. And she’s right. Pit stains! Chris has pit stains. Had to be mentioned. Maybe he’s on the Britt no shower diet.

Kelsey is saying things that imply that this dead husband story is a total lie. And earlier she was unsure of what he died of. And I think she just said his name was “Sanderson”. That’s made up. That’s like some JK Rowling bullshit right there. Was his middle name Dumbledore?

Wow! This is like that moment in Primal Fear when Edward Norton reveals himself to be a psychopath. No, you know what it is? This is the exact voice over from “Gone Girl”. She even does her own promo, “Monday nights at 8! The love story unveiled”. This is very promising.

Samantha: zero words and counting.

Mackenzie looks exactly like a member of the Manson family.

Everybody is spooked by the way Kelsey is acting. About time. She’s acting the way Crackley used to talk. Chris reveals to them that he and Kelsey had a “conversation”. This will not sit well. But then he gets emotional and has to leave the room. First time feeling emotions can be hard.

Kelsey gives a weird speech to the girls about how his decision is already made and all of this stuff. I’m writing this alone in a dark house and I just looked over my shoulder to see if she was coming to murder me. This is exactly how I felt while watching The Fall.

Chris is sweating it out outside, and I feel like this is leading to Kelsey going home, right? Why else would he be bugging?

Samantha, what do you have to say about all this?


“(sign language) I was born without a tongue”

Ashley is legit mad that she’s never had a tragedy happen to her like Kelsey has. Buck up, Ashley, I’m sure someone in your life will die eventually. Then you can get a man!

Kelsey suddenly realizes the worm has turned and she might be, ahem, gone girl. Cut to:

Kelsey walks out of the room and now she’s on the ground sobbing and breathing crazy. She announces that she’s having a panic attack. Kaitlyn barely holds back a smile and it is awesome!

Ugh, and that’s how it ends. No rose ceremony. But next week: “I did not see that coming!” And a crazy 2 on one! And Ashley remains the worst. But don’t take it from me, listen to what Samantha says:





The Opportunity to Be A Housewife: The Bachelor, Ep. 4

How do we survive in a Kimmel-less world? Pretty easily, I imagine. At least we still have that girl who is cracked out of her skull, and a possible tent blow job!

Group date. They get in a convertible and Chris drives them, which Ashley I says is “one of the sexiest things a guy can do”. Drive? This bitch should see me on my commute. Total wet panty time.

It’s kinda weird how the virgin aka Ashley I keeps acting in the most slutacious fashion. With her sloppy tongue kissing and shirt pulled up to show maximum under boob. Strange. Oh, and now she just took off her top and jumped in a lake. This inspires Kaitlyn to take off her bottoms and jump in. Sluttiness spreads like the measles at Disneyland.

Chris’ sisters show up at the house and they are going to decide who gets the next one on one date. The camera keeps showing Jillian sleeping at the pool with fake snoring noises. And also, her standard ass black bar. It’s not enough that she turns herself into a monster at the gym, they have to use special effects to make it worse? “The role of Jillian is being played by Andy Serkis”.

Basically, the sisters only question for each of them is, “would you be willing to move to Iowa, and if so, what the hell are you thinking?”

The sisters to Jade: “You have lots of special talents”. And they don’t even know about her porn career yet! Her special talents were not God given, unless you think God is Dr. 90210.

Back on the date, Kelsey is being a poo. Everyone is pretending to have fun and she’s refusing to. She calls it “a hell hole”. And she says she wants to “stick a fork in my eye”. I love how these brats are hating on the dates this year. Ghetto Bachelor! Or, I guess, Red Neck Bachelor! Kelsey, maybe you should’ve seen this coming when you signed up to win the heart of a farmer. Oh shit! Now they’re camping! You know what this means: a bj is on its way.

Here’s a question about the black bar…


What the hell is going on with Jillian’s ass if this is perfectly acceptable to show? Pussy lips? Are pussy lips being exposed? Sorry, but it’s only thing I can think of. In a related story, Kaitlyn is rad.

Carly seems like the kind of girl he will end up with. You know, blonde and boring. Then she says she wants Chris “to be like my grandpa”. I feel like they fucked her with the editing of that, there had to be more to that story. But what if the more to that story is that her Grandpa used to fuck the shit out of her?

The winner of the one on one is…Jade. As predicted. So funny, if those sisters knew she had naked pictures of herself on the internet she would’ve been last on their list. I think the lesson here is women want to be lied to.

The other ladies are catching onto Kelsey and starting to hate. Ashley I. hears her laughter in the distance, and makes this face…


She looks exactly like ethnic Debra Messing.

Finally, we’re getting some action from Crack Ashley, the crack must be kicking in. She’s like Pookie from New Jack City.

Yep, Kaitlyn is the best woman here. By far. She tells a scary campfire story, but instead of a traditional bogey man, her monster is Crack Ashley. Crackley? I think I shall call her that from now on.

Need a Crackley spinoff, immediately. Easily the most compelling person on television. This is always a good sign…


Ashley I. is really annoying me tonight. I really need to know why she’s still a virgin. Uh oh. She’s an awful kisser and we finally get evidence that Chris hates kissing her, as he opens his eyes and kind of just goes along with her strange mouth movements.

Kaitlyn gets the rose on the date, because Chris may be from Iowa, but he’s not a complete idiot.

Ashley I. is appalled, so I’m guessing she’s going for the blow job. And I’m correct! We hear the sound of a zipper being undone. But it’s not his jeans, it’s his tent. Chris: “Next thing you know, Ashley is coming in my tent. I guess she has something to tell me”. More like something to tell your dick.

You know who would love this date? Desiree. She grew up in a tent, you know.

Oh no, Ashley is expounding on all the ways guys have gotten her wrong in the past. Chris is like, uh, yeah, I’m pretty clear on what you’re about. And no thank you. Wait, now I get what’s happening. In classic woman fashion, she’s not telling him she’s a virgin, and assumes he totally knows what she’s saying. He doesn’t. Because who would think a 26 year old with caked on makeup who leads with her tongue and wants to meet her husband on TV would still be a virgin? It’s not a conclusion you would leap to.

It’s really annoying how they faked the BJ storyline in the commercials, but I guess that’s what puts asses in the seats.

The next morning, Ashley I. is pissed to discover that Jade is going on a Cinderella date. She would’ve stressed that she’s a total princess to the sisters and they would’ve chosen her! Shut the fuck up! What the hell? How is she the absolute worst now? She’s making Crackley look good. And by the way, no they wouldn’t have! Your skin is dark and being a princess isn’t something to brag about. “No one in this house would appreciate this specific date more than me”. Yeah, no other girl has a Cinderella fantasy. You’re the only one.

Heh. They taunt the girls by having a designer come into the house to dress Jade up in different dresses. This is like at Gitmo when they eat pork in front of Al Qaeda and bring in women who are showing ankle.

Corporate tie in!! They are now advertising some new Cinderella movie and even show a clip. Fuck you, ABC. Maybe we should’ve done this on Selfie and we’d still be on TV. God Damn Mulaney is getting .4’s and they’re still airing them!!! Sorry, got off on a bitter tangent there…

News flash! Somebody tell Ashley I. that a number of the other women say that they are “envious” and wish they were going on the date. But I thought Ashley was the only one! “That’s my element”, she says. Your “element” is a made up bullshit movie? So you have no place in real life, got it. That’s why she’s a virgin, penises don’t exist in those stories.

Chris and Jade lookalike. Just pure ass white people with large pecs.

Oh my fucking God I’m going to murder Ashley I! Back at the house, she walks around in a “princess dress” she brought specifically for a princess date. Even the other girls are laughing at her. Then she sits down and eats corn on the cob and drinks wine. Ashley I. is officially the worst Ashley, and have you seen the other Ashley?!

Meanwhile, Jade is impressing Chris by even more boring than he is. She is very quiet, so it is tricky that her boobies are online. It will be fun when word of this gets out. But then the clock strikes midnight and Jade has to run off before turning back into one of Hef’s girls.

Idea: 2 group dates. One one of them, everyone gets a rose. On the other, they all go home.

On this group date, the women are given wedding dresses. They are excited. Then they are taken to a mud run. It is “muck fest”! Whitney says she thinks muck is “a combination of mud and smuck”. No dear, you’re thinking of a schmuck, and that’s Chris Harrison.

Gee, I wonder if Jillian is excited about this…

I love these dates which all have the underlying message: your life with Chris will be miserable.

“I have balls swinging in my face”

Ugh. Jillian wins and she even outruns the black bar.

Carly goes on a fun rant about Jillian. “Jillian should be wearing a tuxedo and not a dress. She’s a fucking dude”.

I’m pretending like I didn’t just hear Chris say that Jillian is “in the top 3”. Luckily, Jillian opens her mouth and completely ruins it. Her words are even more unattractive than her obliques. She never shuts up and Chris is annoyed and it’s great. He liked it better when he could just stare at her black bar. He says “it’s nice because I don’t have the pressure of having to talk to someone”.

No one ever says this, but I wonder if being on a show like this has ever helped a person. For example, as Jillian watches this tonight, does she see herself in a different light? Does she think, “maybe I talk too much?” No, she’s probably too busy to watch the show because she’s doing a thousand squats.

Jillian: “So far I think it’s going good”.

And that’s when Chris DOESN’T give her the rose! HAHA! That was great. She was so cocky, and then burn. She tries to reverse it by crying and blaming nerves, and thinks that not being vulnerable is the reason. Oh, dear. Well, you can’t bench press your brain.

I don’t want to get into the mechanics of this, but you can see where him dumping her in this fashion makes life difficult for production. They had to interview her after the fact and make her talk like she didn’t get dumped. But this ain’t the learning annex, kid! Let’s move on…

Ashley I: “Tonight I’m going to tell him straightforward that I’m a virgin”. She does, and Chris “did not see that one coming”. She explains she’s just waiting for the right person. This totally falls in line with her Cinderella fantasies. Man, she’s got issues. This is TMRC syndrome, Too Many Romantic Comedies.

Another girl: “Her mouth is not a virgin”. Ashley I. tells the group, and then Becca chimes in that she’s a virgin too! Poor, Chris. Poor, men.

Britt and Jade are talking. Interesting to watch two of the front runners in a conference. It feels like Mitt Romney and Jeb Bush meeting, while Hillary Clinton, er Kaitlyn, is with Chris.

Britt is pretending to worry that she’s not getting a rose. She gets Chris alone and starts spewing straight up nonsense. Wow. Everyone is losing their minds tonight. She tells him that she heard that on the camping date Kaitlyn was taking her clothes off and making other girls do that, and then he gave her the rose. Mind yo business! Stay in your lane! When you’re at TGIFriday’s, you don’t take table 12! Tables 1-10 are yours, Sharonda has 11 and up! This is such a dumb move.

She also claims that “other women were thinking about leaving after the date”. Um, you mean Kelsey?! Cause that’s for sure the only person who said that. Plus, she’s totally making this all about Kaitlyn. Poor, Britt, she’s never been around a girl who is so much better than her before. You know Sharonda is not cute.

OH MY GOD! Chris is having a full on mental breakdown trying to explain to Britt why Kaitlyn is awesome. That was like Parkinson’s crossed with a stroke crossed with whatever Stephen Hawking had. He needs that machine to talk! No one is more upset that this episode is BJ-less than me, but it is living up to the hype in other ways. Chris trying to talk sounded exactly like this:

I would not be surprised if after a very heavy burtation, he gives a rose to Derris Derrison.


WHITNEY – Just stay happily below the radar…

CARLY – The other okay blonde

MEGAN – The not so okay blonde

SAMANTHA – The brunette who never talks. There’s always one girl who I swear I’ve never seen before, Samantha is it.

MACKENZIE – The brunette who talks too much


BECCA – Secret virgin!

ASHLEY I – Just an embarrassing performance. Like the Broncos in last year’s Super Bowl – you thought there might be greatness, and then an absolute destruction

BRITT – Do they really think they’re fooling us by saving her for last?

But you know what that means, Crackley is gone! Dammit. Please spin her off. Crackley needs to find love to. Seriously, you would watch The Bachelorette with Crackley. No one wouldn’t watch that.

Juelia is also gone. It’s cause she has a kid, or so she thinks. It’s actually that ‘e’ in her name. The suicide baby daddy story never gets you to the fantasy suite.

Next week: They go to Santa Fe. And sex maybe does happen! And Kelsey goes full on “not here to make friends”! And she also might die!!!

News & Notes

–Continuing my tour through British shows on Netflix, I’ve become addicted to “The Fall”. Watch this show. It stars Gillian Anderson, the dude from “50 Shades of Gray”, and a bunch of Irish people, and it is really great.

–Andy Greenwald has a long article on Grantland about Amazon and their TV shows. Despite the (critical) success of “Transparent”, apparently (apparently!) there isn’t much else of note coming behind it. He theorizes that it’s partly because they don’t give network notes to their writers. Obviously, I disagree. My theory is that no one is making shows for Amazon yet, and stuff that ends up there are things that were rejected by everyone else.

Before “Transparent”, they had no rep. So I doubt a guy like Shawn Ryan (The Shield) is thinking Amazon when he comes up with a show. Hell no. He wants to be on HBO or FX or AMC. So whatever show he has on Amazon, I would have to assume was frowned upon by those networks. Just a guess though.

But maybe now that people know they can win Golden Globes on Amazon, they’ll take stuff there on purpose.

–My favorite network, The Hub, has disappeared. But in its place, The Up Network has emerged! Up stands for “uplighting”, but just like most cable networks, the name is kind of inconsequential. The important thing is, they show “Family Ties” and “Growing Pains” every afternoon.

Much to my shock and amazement, “Growing Pains” might be the most underrated sitcom of the last 30 years. I’m deadly serious. I would stack the first 2 seasons of “Growing Pains” up against any other family sitcom. It’s fucking good.

The person who created it? Neal Marlens. What did he create just a few short years later? “The Wonder Years”. The pedigree is there, people. Seriously, this show has a unique voice, is funny, there’s a great continuity to it, and it’s surprisingly inventive. There are episodes structured very similar to what “How I Met Your Mother” did many years later. “Growing Pains” did it first!

What makes it look even better is that it airs right after “Family Ties”, which did not hold up and is now horrifying to watch. It’s crazy to think that at the time, “Family Ties” was considered the better show. Of course back then Bill Cosby was a great dad and your friendly obstetrician, so what did anyone really know?

Sadly, after the second season things go down hill, but only thanks to some miserable luck with their cast of kids. Kirk Cameron became a born again Christian and refused to do jokes. Tracey Gold became an anorexic. And Jeremy Miller became ugly and a bad actor.

–As you know, a few weeks ago The Bachelor couple we were all rooting for, Josh and Andi, unexpectedly broke up. I mean, we did expect it, but it came just days after they appeared happy and in love on “The Bachelor” premiere. Well, news broke today that Josh’s brother, and the real love of his life, Aaron, has unexpectedly broken up with his fiancee too.

Hmmm…what an interesting coincidence. Could it be that Josh and Aaron have finally realized that they were meant to be together? Or could it be that there was some, uh, cross pollination going on in those relationships. I pray this comes out at the After the Final Rose, what a recap for me to retire on! That really would be like Jordan in ’98.