I’ll Take a Cord, Please

I recently moved. That’s right, Handleman Headquarters is no longer in Hermosa Beach. I have no idea how Zane’s, Fritto Misto, or Vons will stay in business. But I can’t worry about them. They have to make their own way. And let me tell you something, I’m not gonna miss Lev the angry Vons checkout guy at all.

In moving, I attempted to transfer my Direct TV from my old place to my new place. Seems like that would be easy enough. Well, nothing is easy when you’re dealing with Jamal in the Movers Division of Direct TV.

Let’s just say, this turned into a complete cluster fuck, in which I spent approximately 17 hours listening to their hold music. I had to wait days, weeks even, before it was setup. But I tried to console myself with this thought:

This is actually a good thing because now I can see what this whole “cord cutters” thing is all about.

I see you hipsters. With your VCR’s and vinyl and annoying dogs and coffee and shit. You seem stupid to me, but maybe there’s something I’m missing. I heard not having cable is actually pretty awesome. You just stream stuff! Everything is online now so why pay outrageous sums to have it bundled with a bunch of crap you don’t want?

When you think about it, that makes a lot of sense. Here’s the problem: I want all that crap!

My experiment in cord cutting has been an unmitigated disaster. I hate it. I hate it more than I hate Lev the angry Vons checkout guy. And I really didn’t like that dude – I’d go in a longer line behind old ladies who don’t know how to work the ATM thingy just to avoid him!

The thing about my TV viewing is that I’m not an active participant in it. I come home, I turn on the TV, and then I look at the internet. Did you notice what was missing there? It was the part between “turn on the TV” and the next part. What I don’t do is specifically think about watching something. I’m not trying to binge watch every God Damn show every time I watch TV. I just want the noise. I just want the company. I just want the news! I just want to feel like I’m connected with the outside world. I’m a shut in with an eye still on the idiots outside my walls.

Having the cord cut makes me feel isolated. It’s way too much work. It’s like another job. “Oh, let me go to the Hulu app, and let me look through the ‘based on what you recently watched’ list…FUCK THAT. You turn on the TV and IT IS ON. There’s nothing more that needs to be done. It’s on and it’s existing and it pleases me. And then guess what? Other stuff is on at the very same time! And I hit a button and I see all of it and if it seems interesting I go to it and if it doesn’t, I don’t. I don’t want to choose which Friends episode I watch, I want TBS to do it for me.

Maybe this works for people who just want to come home with a good book and then intentionally watch every episode of Breaking Bad. That’s fine. Enjoy your quiet, dumb life with all of your outside interests. But I don’t intentionally watch anything. I love the accident of it all. Holy shit, Dawson’s Creek is now on the Pop Channel!!! What the hell is the Pop Channel? Who fucking cares Pacey’s about to kiss Joey!

I would never intentionally watch that, but stumbling upon it just makes the day a little better. And that little bit of sunshine was delivered by a cord. Thanks, cord. And fuck you, Jamal.