Riding high, guys. Just hit the game winning 3 to win my basketball game tonight. The only thing that can make this night better is Kelsey dying on the floor of The Bachelor mansion. Let’s see if that happens…
We’re in Santa Fe. I’m sure Kelsey, is like “WTF??! I was expecting Prague”. He’s a farmer, bitch! He doesn’t have a passport. Megan is excited because she’s heard it’s a “resort, beach place”. And because she’s “never been out of the country”. Good news, Megan, your streak continues!
The first one on one goes to Carly, who gets death stares from everyone else. Fucking Ashley I. continues to be the worst, she said she needed the one on one “more than anyone else”. Let’s close Gitmo and make the prisoners get married to Ashley, I honestly can’t think of a worse torture. “Been married to Ashley for 6 months, I really regret doing 9/11”.
Carly and Chris go to a house and meet a meditating lady with awful bangs. Maybe getting too relaxed is a bad thing, cause you neglect your hair care. Oh wait, she’s a love guru. You saw how well that worked out for Mike Myers.
They do some breathing exercises. I think this is lamaze. Chris can now more comfortably have a baby. Spent a good minute trying to figure out if the Guru has a nose ring or a booger. Damn, it’s a ring. Chris gets blindfolded and Carly rubs his body then feeds him a chocolate covered strawberry. Arousing and delicious.
Then it’s Chris’ turn and the Guru says “Chris, you’re gonna come around the hips and then go into her thighs”. Done and done. I think Carly left her lips back in Los Angeles. She needs a Kylie Jenner, stat. The Guru advises them to take their clothes off and Carly objects: “I don’t take my clothes off for anyone”. Even your doctor? Is she Mormon?
Oh wait, some clothes shedding happens and the titties are out!!! Of course I’m talking about Chris’. Every year climbers die falling off the face of those pecs. This is the least sexy thing in the world. Carly calls it “the worst date”. I LOVE everyone hating the dates. Carly kinda blew it. She should’ve just laughed and had fun with it. I mean, Chris should have too, but he’s a humorless goober who was born without the ability to open his mouth.
The Guru finally gets it done by having Carly mount Chris and then not kiss him. Which is a near impossible task for Chris, who would make out with a grilled cheese sandwich if it got close enough to him.
Carly hasn’t fucked anyone in a year and a half. Her last boyfriend, of 2 years, “would not touch me”. Uh, red flag! Dude, are we sure she’s not Mormon? Cause maybe that guy was like one of those dudes from “My Husband’s Not Gay”. She’s real insecure about her looks. I’m insecure about her looks when she’s not wearing eye makeup.
Chris is worried that the ladies won’t want to move to the farm with him. That is the right thing to be worried about.Seriously though, can’t people from Iowa just move? Side note: I wish there could be a show about Carly’s boyfriend not fucking her.
Group date. Yey, Kaitlyn is here! It’s at the Rio Grande River, because everything must be awful to prep them for farm life. I wonder if Kelsey will approve of this river. She’s a river stickler. Megan is here and she must be wondering where the infinity pool and gardeners are #mexico
They go down some white water rapids, and Jade goes overboard. Thankfully, she has plenty of flotation devices. Uh oh, Jade claims she has some sort of condition where she gets hypothermia in normal weather. I think that condition is called “being a pussy”. I have it too. My feet get a degree below room temp and it’s hot bath time for me.
Later in the date, they’re at a hotel. Chris is coming to see his dates, when he is ambushed by a girl who was eliminated in week 2! It’s Jordan! Is she cuter than I remember? Wait, she’s the drunk ass. She’s dried out and looks better! She drove from Colorado to see him. That was a DUI waited to happen. I’m so confused about this. Give her a chance! Now she’s bringing up God! Get rid of her!!! Maybe the 13th step in AA is letting the Bachelor producers coerce you into making an embarrassing reappearance on the show.
Chris tells us that he sent her home because she was a drunk. Yep. But this new, hot, mature version is changing his mind. Chris tells her he’s not one to judge because he LOVES drinking. Pretty sure he’s got some DUIs under his belt too. Amazing moment: he comes walking up arm in arm with Jordan to the other women, and their brains explode. Would be so awesome if he’s like, “hey, sorry girls, but Jordan came back and she’s better looking now, so I’m gonna hang with her. The rafts will take you back up river”.
Wow, he’s letting her stay on this date. They cut to Jordan drinking something! Is that a vodka? Chris gets alone time with Ashley I., and of course she uses her time to shit on Jordan. Fuck you, Ashley! They’re “fundamentally different”, yeah, Jordan is fun and you’re not.
Meanwhile, Jordan has to sit with the tribal council of angry bitches telling her how their journey is more important. Chris gets annoyed because the only thing the women want to talk about is Jordan instead of their relationship. Ugh, a cool chick would’ve taken advantage of this situation. I’m disappointed in Kaitlyn.
Ashley: “I want people to admit that we don’t want her here”
Ashley: “In the top 11, you sort of have to think selfishly”. Bitch, you only think selfishly.
Whitney is the only one coming off well here and it’s only because she’s friends with Jordan. Chris finally pulls Jordan away and tells her she has to split. And she’s totally cool about it. He seems a little bummed. As he should be, maybe he doesn’t like her but now he realizes everyone else is horrible.
It should be noted: Samantha is on this group date, and SHE STILL HASN’T SPOKEN A WORD.
Gross!!! She hugs people goodbye, and Kelsey whispers, “I’ll always admire you”. That was frightening.
“I know it was you, Jordan. You broke my heart”.
Chris: “I totally admire her effort”. He sounds like Pete Carroll talking about Ricardo Lockette.
With the date in shambles, Chris gives the rose to…JORDAN! Whoa! Didn’t see that coming. Just kidding, it goes to Whitney, the only one who managed to not completely melt down.
Ashley: “Whitney…I literally looked at her on the boat earlier today and thought, ‘I don’t have to worry about that‘”. Guess you do, virgin.
It’s week 5 and Samantha still has not spoken! This is not a joke. It’s one of the most impressive performances I’ve ever seen. It’s basically the equivalent of Cal Ripken playing in 2,632 consecutive games. She’s the iron mute.
YES! Whitney: “I don’t think Ashley is pretending to be someone she’s not…and that’s the scary thing”. Team Whitney just added a member.
Carly: “Britt hasn’t showered in weeks”. We finally know what Michelle Money was talking about!! But seriously though, why hasn’t she showered in weeks?
Britt’s one on one involves heights so she starts crying just thinking about it. She must not work at the restaurant at the top of Mandalay Bay. She can only take ground level waitressing jobs. So limiting.
Chris sneaks into their room way early in the morning and wakes Britt up. And she’s in full makeup! What the hell?? I must document this.
That might be the greatest photo I’ve ever taken. How is there not lipstick all over the sheets? So she still hasn’t showered? Chris remarks on how Britt looks just as beautiful as ever even though she’s sleeping. Yeah, cause she’s in full face gear, dude. I know someone else who sleeps in full makeup, his name? The Joker. This won’t end well.
Oh. Carly notes that Britt always sleeps in full makeup “just in case”. Genius! She’s operating at a higher level than everyone. She’d be the girl that tells the ball boys to take a little air out before the game. She’s Bill Belichick’s brain and Tom Brady’s beautiful face all rolled into one!
Britt breathes a sigh of relief because it’s looking like the date is a hot air balloon ride and not jumping off a cliff. They have a magical ride and Chris is acting like she’s the one. Back at the hotel, the women continue to discuss Britt’s lack of showering. They speculate that maybe Chris “likes ’em dirty”. And then they cut to Chris taking Britt back to his place where he might do some sniffing.
Ashley spills the beans to everyone that Britt was talking about how much she loves being single and isn’t in a rush to get married or have kids. Sorry, but I don’t believe anything Ashley says. But back to the date, as Britt tells Chris she wants “a hundred kids”. Yeah, she’s definitely a fucking fake ass liar. She’s “playing the game”, as they say. But she’s hot so we’re all fine with it.
Britt is acting way too excited over everything. “Oh my God, this is a hotel room! I’ve never seen one before! And this is a rose?! From a garden?! There’s more to the date?! I’ve never been on more to a date before!!”
Britt comes back and rubs it in their faces. Kelsey: “I think that Britt’s date with Chris today diminished the importance of my relationship with him.” Huh? So she goes to Chris’ room to discuss the fact that he had the nerve to go on a date with someone else. She’s somehow making this all about her. And we’re about to get WIDOW STORY NUMBER 2!
She prefaces it by saying that she “doesn’t have any bad news for you”. Yeah, tell the dead guy it’s not bad news.
I’m pretty sure that Kelsey is basically straight up saying that she needed to tell this story this week to secure a rose. And she’s right. Pit stains! Chris has pit stains. Had to be mentioned. Maybe he’s on the Britt no shower diet.
Kelsey is saying things that imply that this dead husband story is a total lie. And earlier she was unsure of what he died of. And I think she just said his name was “Sanderson”. That’s made up. That’s like some JK Rowling bullshit right there. Was his middle name Dumbledore?
Wow! This is like that moment in Primal Fear when Edward Norton reveals himself to be a psychopath. No, you know what it is? This is the exact voice over from “Gone Girl”. She even does her own promo, “Monday nights at 8! The love story unveiled”. This is very promising.
Samantha: zero words and counting.
Mackenzie looks exactly like a member of the Manson family.
Everybody is spooked by the way Kelsey is acting. About time. She’s acting the way Crackley used to talk. Chris reveals to them that he and Kelsey had a “conversation”. This will not sit well. But then he gets emotional and has to leave the room. First time feeling emotions can be hard.
Kelsey gives a weird speech to the girls about how his decision is already made and all of this stuff. I’m writing this alone in a dark house and I just looked over my shoulder to see if she was coming to murder me. This is exactly how I felt while watching The Fall.
Chris is sweating it out outside, and I feel like this is leading to Kelsey going home, right? Why else would he be bugging?
Samantha, what do you have to say about all this?
“(sign language) I was born without a tongue”
Ashley is legit mad that she’s never had a tragedy happen to her like Kelsey has. Buck up, Ashley, I’m sure someone in your life will die eventually. Then you can get a man!
Kelsey suddenly realizes the worm has turned and she might be, ahem, gone girl. Cut to:
Kelsey walks out of the room and now she’s on the ground sobbing and breathing crazy. She announces that she’s having a panic attack. Kaitlyn barely holds back a smile and it is awesome!
Ugh, and that’s how it ends. No rose ceremony. But next week: “I did not see that coming!” And a crazy 2 on one! And Ashley remains the worst. But don’t take it from me, listen to what Samantha says:
Notes From a Hack 