Category Archives: the bachelorette

A Bachelorette Blunder

It was a genius plan. The Bachelorette has never been as good as The Bachelor. There’s something about women fighting over a man that is pure entertainment, whereas men fighting over a woman? Well that happens every day in every town, USA, my friends.

But they had a brainstorm! What if it was TWO Bachelorettes? One is hot and sexy and dumb. And the other is cute with a personality. Who would the guys go for? Would hotness trump all, as it does in the real world? We needed to know!

And they just so happened to have the perfect women for this grand experiment. The Bachelorette franchise has been filled with contestants who just weren’t good enough. Meredith, DeAnna, that bitch who lived in a tent. And I don’t even want to go into the debacle that was Jillian. But here we had two women who we all could get excited about. Britt is legitimately hot. Kaitlyn is legitimately cool. Everything came together.

And then they got stupid. They decided to kick off one of them on opening night.

Fools!

I can’t fathom the reason for this. Do they not want to entertain us? This could’ve been the perfect storm! Take the competitiveness of the dudes, add cattiness to the girls, and then the thing just compounds and combusts in an explosion of hot tubs and helicopter rides.

Think about it. A guy is there for Britt. But he starts liking Kaitlyn. Britt can’t believe it. This has never happened to her before. What kind of stops does she pull out to get that guy back in her camp? Um how about all of them?!

Oh, the possibilities. Alas, it wasn’t to be. So we’ll have to cope with Kaitlyn and her newly plumped up lips. At least there seems to be some interesting twists in store. The return of Nick! Kaitlyn fucking someone and then telling the guys about it!

So that’s good. But it could’ve been better…

Goodbye?

We all remember where we were when Magic Johnson announced his retirement from the NBA in 1991, and I’m sure you guys feel the same way about when I announced my retirement from blogging in December. It just didn’t seem fair. A legendary career snuffed out while still in its prime.

Well, ever since that announcement, I’ve been mulling over exactly what I wanted to do. Could I really hang up my Macbook Air? Could I really keep quiet over the success of lesser talents? Would The Bachelor even stay on the air without me propping it up for the last 10 years?

These were difficult questions for me to wrestle with, but I’m happy to tell you that I did come up with some answers.

I am in fact done recapping The Bachelor. I’ve said all that could be said. I always feel like I’m making jokes I’ve done before. And it really kills my Monday nights because that’s also when my basketball league is, and let’s face it, my team needs me and needs my laser like focus.

In a related note, I’ve been working on my Dirk Nowitzki one leg step back mid-range jumper, and it is extremely effective. I’m actually starting to feel bad for defenders.

I’ll be honest though, it’s gonna be tough missing out on the Kaitlyn and Britt team up. It’s almost like The Bachelor Gods are fucking with me. That is borderline irresistible. But resist, I will. Of course I’m still gonna watch though. I’ve been watching The Real World since 1992!!! Many of you are younger than how long I’ve been watching The Real World. These ho’s ain’t loyal, but I am! I will stick with The Bachelor ’till the bitter end, when they’re bringing out Juan Pablo for a 2nd and 3rd go around and Brad (or is it Chad?!) for his tenth!

As for non-Bachelor related items, that’s a little tougher. So I’m gonna leave the door open to that. It might mean 1 post a month or 1 post a year, maybe less than that. But if there’s something I just have to get out there, that must be shared, I know I have notes from a hack here to share it.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for your comments. Thanks for 10 great years.

Please, it is not necessary to leave any goodbye comments. You already did that back in December, and I’m not trying to be a drama queen about it. And it isn’t goodbye, it’s a, “maybe I’ll see ya later”.

News & Notes

–Continuing my tour through British shows on Netflix, I’ve become addicted to “The Fall”. Watch this show. It stars Gillian Anderson, the dude from “50 Shades of Gray”, and a bunch of Irish people, and it is really great.

–Andy Greenwald has a long article on Grantland about Amazon and their TV shows. Despite the (critical) success of “Transparent”, apparently (apparently!) there isn’t much else of note coming behind it. He theorizes that it’s partly because they don’t give network notes to their writers. Obviously, I disagree. My theory is that no one is making shows for Amazon yet, and stuff that ends up there are things that were rejected by everyone else.

Before “Transparent”, they had no rep. So I doubt a guy like Shawn Ryan (The Shield) is thinking Amazon when he comes up with a show. Hell no. He wants to be on HBO or FX or AMC. So whatever show he has on Amazon, I would have to assume was frowned upon by those networks. Just a guess though.

But maybe now that people know they can win Golden Globes on Amazon, they’ll take stuff there on purpose.

–My favorite network, The Hub, has disappeared. But in its place, The Up Network has emerged! Up stands for “uplighting”, but just like most cable networks, the name is kind of inconsequential. The important thing is, they show “Family Ties” and “Growing Pains” every afternoon.

Much to my shock and amazement, “Growing Pains” might be the most underrated sitcom of the last 30 years. I’m deadly serious. I would stack the first 2 seasons of “Growing Pains” up against any other family sitcom. It’s fucking good.

The person who created it? Neal Marlens. What did he create just a few short years later? “The Wonder Years”. The pedigree is there, people. Seriously, this show has a unique voice, is funny, there’s a great continuity to it, and it’s surprisingly inventive. There are episodes structured very similar to what “How I Met Your Mother” did many years later. “Growing Pains” did it first!

What makes it look even better is that it airs right after “Family Ties”, which did not hold up and is now horrifying to watch. It’s crazy to think that at the time, “Family Ties” was considered the better show. Of course back then Bill Cosby was a great dad and your friendly obstetrician, so what did anyone really know?

Sadly, after the second season things go down hill, but only thanks to some miserable luck with their cast of kids. Kirk Cameron became a born again Christian and refused to do jokes. Tracey Gold became an anorexic. And Jeremy Miller became ugly and a bad actor.

–As you know, a few weeks ago The Bachelor couple we were all rooting for, Josh and Andi, unexpectedly broke up. I mean, we did expect it, but it came just days after they appeared happy and in love on “The Bachelor” premiere. Well, news broke today that Josh’s brother, and the real love of his life, Aaron, has unexpectedly broken up with his fiancee too.

Hmmm…what an interesting coincidence. Could it be that Josh and Aaron have finally realized that they were meant to be together? Or could it be that there was some, uh, cross pollination going on in those relationships. I pray this comes out at the After the Final Rose, what a recap for me to retire on! That really would be like Jordan in ’98.

Nick From the Bachelorette Is Still Saying There’s a Chance!

It’s so annoying when people yammer on their phones on an airplane…unless that people is Nick from the Bachelorette! And then you bust out your phone and secretly record him. Nicely done, creep in Row 2!

“She went back to what she’s used to”.  Truth.

Also, funny to hear him tell the person that “it’s happened once before that someone changed their mind”. He really thought she was going to pull a Jason and do the switcheroo. Nick, you’re scaring us.

But wait! There’s more! Time for some shit talking about Josh:

“Josh will do whatever she wants…he just eats, sleeps and shits, and has a bad temper”.

From henceforth, all “After the Final Rose” shows should be conducted via secret video on a plane.

Andi the Bland Bachelorette, Finale

On the one hand, 3 hours sounds daunting right now. On the other, we’re just 3 hours away from being done with Andi’s oddly shaped mouth forever. And then we get to go to paradise – Bachelor in Paradise – while she goes off to mouthier pastures. So let’s do it…

For the record, I say it’s Nick and it’s not even close. But a coworker made a compelling argument that it’s going to be Josh, so I guess props to the Bachelorette editors for keeping us on our toes and also for not puking while wading through all of the Andi footage.

Nick is first to meet the Dorfmans. Hey Dorfmans, remember when Andi brought Juan Pablo to meet you? It must be odd for them to meet a guy who can form sentences and isn’t borderline retarded. But don’t worry, you’ll meet Josh in a sec.

Nick asks her dad for his permission to ask Andi to marry him, and Andi’s Dad, played by George Costanza, gives his blessing.

Nick opens his eyes to inspect her frowny kiss lips…

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Her mouth can’t even make a kiss shape!

Literally nothing interesting happened on his date. Nick is mumbly and boring. I’m not a magician, people! I can’t conjure entertainment value here. Let’s go to Josh…

George Costanza is immediately suspicious because Josh is the typical athlete that Andi used to blow for game tickets.

Do you understand how fucking pathetic it is if Andi chooses this dude? You are going to see me lose my mind if that happens. He has no job, unless you count giving his brother happy endings a job.

Costanza says he has complete faith in Andi to make the right decision. Her last decision was fucking Juan Pablo, just fyi. Nevertheless, he gives his blessing to Josh too. What a blessings slut.

The next day, Andi has her last date with Josh, and wears a giant sun dress/sarape blanket type thing. The fat body that should be underneath her fat face would fit comfortably in it.

They go on a boat. She keeps going on and on about how Josh is her type and he lives in Atlanta. “I don’t want a human being to fall in love with, I’ll just take someone who sucks at baseball and lives close by”. Keep those standards sky high, Andi!

She keeps wondering “is this too good to be true?” You know what would be too good to be true? If this dumb fuck had a job.

You know when you go to Supercuts and there’s a picture of guys with different hair as examples? Josh should be one of those hair models. Yeah, I don’t go to Supercuts either.

Josh gives Andi a baseball card. It’s a picture of her with a baseball bat and it says “The Murray’s”. Um, that’s not how baseball cards work. And also? You were a complete bust in baseball! 7 years and couldn’t get out of single A. That’s not your thing. Your thing is popping your head up out of your brother’s bathtub and telling him “Your royal penis is clean, your highness”.

If you think I’m exaggerating, here is the statistical record for Josh’s baseball career that he keeps bragging about.

According to Andi, the baseball card shows her that Josh “is ready”. Hey Andi, I can make a trophy that says you’re the Queen of England but you’d still be a groupie ho from the A.

Wow, this is getting awfully personal. Sorry, but it’s 3 hours, and if she picks him she’s officially the worst.

The “Too Good to Be True” count is at 3.

Time for Nick’s date. For the record, Nick is a “Software Sales Executive”. Josh thinks software is what you have to take Cialis for.

They go off-roading on a road and then have a picnic. By my count, that’s 17 picnics this season, 7 hot tubs, 1 repel down a building, and 3 missionary positions in the fantasy suite.

Nick is nervous about things, he’s unsure about how she’s feeling…Jesus is she gonna pick Josh?!! She knows Josh has roommates, right? They should add an episode where the Bachelor/rette has to live at the person’s house or apartment for 3 days. It’s all awkward as Andi stands in line to use the only bathroom they have and then his brother stinks it up again. Wait, what am I talking about? Josh’s brother’s shit don’t stink (according to Josh).

Andi tells Nick that he needs to “turn his brain off”. Unlike Josh, whose brain is permanently suffering an outage.

Andi says “it’s gonna be all right” multiple times, in a way that if she’s going to dump him after this is seriously bullshit. She’s giving him the sign! But remember, she is a lawyer. They love being extra dickish about stuff.

Nick went back to the beach where he first told her he loved her and made her a necklace with some sand. Nice try, jerk, should’ve went with a super cool baseball card. Ha! I just realized how stupid a baseball card is. “I love you, here’s some cardboard about the thing I like”.

It’s D-Day. Andi wakes up and walks around the Dominican Republic in a teddy. The bros are shirtless – the studio audience of fat 40 year old ladies goes crazy, explaining the success of 50 Shades of Grey. Josh is beefy, sure, but there’s some chubs in there. I guess living through your brother doesn’t burn calories.

“Too Good to Be True” = 4.

Neil Lane shows up. Wait, is this an episode of “Botched”. Nope, Neil thinks that face looks good and he’s sticking with it.

WHOA! Curveball. We think Neil Lane is coming to see Nick, but it’s ANDI! The Dorfman of Doom!

But instead of showing us what happens, they cut to Chris Harrison in studio to ask “Bachelor favorites” what they think this means. We don’t need to know what they think, you have the footage!! Just show us! There’s no speculation needed! This happened months ago! I’m glad Clare from Sacramento can form thoughts now but how about we just watch instead?

Okay, so Andi enters Nick’s hotel room. Nick looks like Andy Dufresne the first time he walked into Shawshank. Andi says on their last date she just wanted to have fun but it was spent analyzing things. Well, you won’t have any of that analyzing or thinkin’ with Josh, that’s for sure.

Seriously, she doesn’t like him because he made her think about things. That’s what’s being said right now.

Nick tries to burn her with a “every time you responded to me, I thought you meant it”. Then he goes, “Is this more about us or someone else?” GREAT QUESTION, NICK! All that pesky thinking again, what an a-hole. She pauses for a long time and just says “I’m sorry”.

Can I just say that if this was me and I was head over heels in love with Josh, I would say “I really like you, but I’m just madly in love with Josh and I can’t see myself with anyone else”. She doesn’t say that.

This doesn’t last as long as others have. They hug goodbye. Andi walks out into the rain. Nick cries.

Chris Harrison tells us that Nick has repeatedly tried to talk to Andi since this happened and she has refused. Interesting.

Andi awaits trophy boy in a white dress and terrible hair. I think she’s just wearing a bed sheet attached to a necklace. Anyway, it’s not flattering.

Remember how terrible it was at Josh’s hometown? “Every Sunday we have to go to Aaron’s games…”

Josh: “When I decided to give up my first love, baseball, all those years ago, a big reason why was because there was a greater love that existed somewhere…” Oh, I thought it was because you were a .200 hitter, couldn’t field your position, or hit a curve, and wanted nothing more in life than to lick your brother’s testicles?

He gives a big speech and starts talking like a black guy at the end of it. Poor Marquel.

Andi tells Josh she loves him, and knew it from the first moment she saw him. Um, then why did you torture us with 11 episodes?! Those weeks could’ve been spent with the Bachelors in Paradise!!

Josh gets on one knee, “Andi Jeanette Dorfman…” man, I can’t take that name seriously. Dorfman. She says yes, because Atlanta.

Ugh, she keeps saying “forever” and makes him say it too. Cause she’s insecure about him. She’s a sad person.

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

There’s a whole video showing Nick and his depression. Worst part is, he wasn’t there to make friends! He’s got nothing now. He went to LA to confront Andi at the Men Tell All and she wouldn’t see him. And then he gave her the letter we saw last week. Dude! You can do way better. You don’t want someone who chooses Josh.

Andi comes out for the big confrontation. Andi puts on her dumb, serious mouth face, but you know she’s loving every second of this. Her whole life was wanting to be the pretty girl and now here she is with 2 guys fawning for her attention. Nick really has nothing to say and just mumbles about the letter. She says stuff back, and then admits that she was never in love with him.

Ouch. Now she’s claiming Josh was “the greater love”.

OH SHIT!!:  Nick: “If you weren’t in love with me, I’m not sure why…you made love with me”. Damn! This gets murmurs from the audience, and Andi calls it “below the belt”. Well yes, Andi, below the belt is usually where fucking occurs.

That was kind of amazing. He broke the first and only rule of the fantasy suite, which is don’t talk about the fantasy suite.

Sure, Nick, you’ve only slept with girls you were in love with. Right. Calm down, dude. I’m with Andi on this one, she broke up with him in the coolest way possible. She didn’t make him go to the end, get down on a knee, etc. Nick’s being a complete dickhead.

Bachelor in Paradise sneak peek! My eyes must be screwing with me, I swear I just saw Michele Money making out with ugly ass, human troll doll Cody.

Josh comes out, with a “WHOA!” Easy there, Joey Lawrence. Chris says how it’s so crazy that they live 5 minutes apart. Gee, that is quite a coincidence. And also her whole reason for liking him. Andi wanted a convenient trophy husband and that’s what she got. She won’t be challenged in any way and that’s how she likes it.

I wonder if Josh heard that part about how Andi banged Nick the night before she banged him. Cause he seems pretty exuberant for a dude who just heard that.

Harrison brings up the “pregnancy rumors”. Hey, that could easily be Nick’s baby. Just saying.

Ha! Harrison brings up Andi’s “well documented frown”. I guess they don’t realize that’s not a flattering thing. It’s like saying, “Josh, everyone knows about your well documented incestuous homosexual love for your brother…”

Finally! We’re done. We can finally move on to important things, in paradise…see you next week!!