On the one hand, 3 hours sounds daunting right now. On the other, we’re just 3 hours away from being done with Andi’s oddly shaped mouth forever. And then we get to go to paradise – Bachelor in Paradise – while she goes off to mouthier pastures. So let’s do it…
For the record, I say it’s Nick and it’s not even close. But a coworker made a compelling argument that it’s going to be Josh, so I guess props to the Bachelorette editors for keeping us on our toes and also for not puking while wading through all of the Andi footage.
Nick is first to meet the Dorfmans. Hey Dorfmans, remember when Andi brought Juan Pablo to meet you? It must be odd for them to meet a guy who can form sentences and isn’t borderline retarded. But don’t worry, you’ll meet Josh in a sec.
Nick asks her dad for his permission to ask Andi to marry him, and Andi’s Dad, played by George Costanza, gives his blessing.
Nick opens his eyes to inspect her frowny kiss lips…
Her mouth can’t even make a kiss shape!
Literally nothing interesting happened on his date. Nick is mumbly and boring. I’m not a magician, people! I can’t conjure entertainment value here. Let’s go to Josh…
George Costanza is immediately suspicious because Josh is the typical athlete that Andi used to blow for game tickets.
Do you understand how fucking pathetic it is if Andi chooses this dude? You are going to see me lose my mind if that happens. He has no job, unless you count giving his brother happy endings a job.
Costanza says he has complete faith in Andi to make the right decision. Her last decision was fucking Juan Pablo, just fyi. Nevertheless, he gives his blessing to Josh too. What a blessings slut.
The next day, Andi has her last date with Josh, and wears a giant sun dress/sarape blanket type thing. The fat body that should be underneath her fat face would fit comfortably in it.
They go on a boat. She keeps going on and on about how Josh is her type and he lives in Atlanta. “I don’t want a human being to fall in love with, I’ll just take someone who sucks at baseball and lives close by”. Keep those standards sky high, Andi!
She keeps wondering “is this too good to be true?” You know what would be too good to be true? If this dumb fuck had a job.
You know when you go to Supercuts and there’s a picture of guys with different hair as examples? Josh should be one of those hair models. Yeah, I don’t go to Supercuts either.
Josh gives Andi a baseball card. It’s a picture of her with a baseball bat and it says “The Murray’s”. Um, that’s not how baseball cards work. And also? You were a complete bust in baseball! 7 years and couldn’t get out of single A. That’s not your thing. Your thing is popping your head up out of your brother’s bathtub and telling him “Your royal penis is clean, your highness”.
If you think I’m exaggerating, here is the statistical record for Josh’s baseball career that he keeps bragging about.
According to Andi, the baseball card shows her that Josh “is ready”. Hey Andi, I can make a trophy that says you’re the Queen of England but you’d still be a groupie ho from the A.
Wow, this is getting awfully personal. Sorry, but it’s 3 hours, and if she picks him she’s officially the worst.
The “Too Good to Be True” count is at 3.
Time for Nick’s date. For the record, Nick is a “Software Sales Executive”. Josh thinks software is what you have to take Cialis for.
They go off-roading on a road and then have a picnic. By my count, that’s 17 picnics this season, 7 hot tubs, 1 repel down a building, and 3 missionary positions in the fantasy suite.
Nick is nervous about things, he’s unsure about how she’s feeling…Jesus is she gonna pick Josh?!! She knows Josh has roommates, right? They should add an episode where the Bachelor/rette has to live at the person’s house or apartment for 3 days. It’s all awkward as Andi stands in line to use the only bathroom they have and then his brother stinks it up again. Wait, what am I talking about? Josh’s brother’s shit don’t stink (according to Josh).
Andi tells Nick that he needs to “turn his brain off”. Unlike Josh, whose brain is permanently suffering an outage.
Andi says “it’s gonna be all right” multiple times, in a way that if she’s going to dump him after this is seriously bullshit. She’s giving him the sign! But remember, she is a lawyer. They love being extra dickish about stuff.
Nick went back to the beach where he first told her he loved her and made her a necklace with some sand. Nice try, jerk, should’ve went with a super cool baseball card. Ha! I just realized how stupid a baseball card is. “I love you, here’s some cardboard about the thing I like”.
It’s D-Day. Andi wakes up and walks around the Dominican Republic in a teddy. The bros are shirtless – the studio audience of fat 40 year old ladies goes crazy, explaining the success of 50 Shades of Grey. Josh is beefy, sure, but there’s some chubs in there. I guess living through your brother doesn’t burn calories.
“Too Good to Be True” = 4.
Neil Lane shows up. Wait, is this an episode of “Botched”. Nope, Neil thinks that face looks good and he’s sticking with it.
WHOA! Curveball. We think Neil Lane is coming to see Nick, but it’s ANDI! The Dorfman of Doom!
But instead of showing us what happens, they cut to Chris Harrison in studio to ask “Bachelor favorites” what they think this means. We don’t need to know what they think, you have the footage!! Just show us! There’s no speculation needed! This happened months ago! I’m glad Clare from Sacramento can form thoughts now but how about we just watch instead?
Okay, so Andi enters Nick’s hotel room. Nick looks like Andy Dufresne the first time he walked into Shawshank. Andi says on their last date she just wanted to have fun but it was spent analyzing things. Well, you won’t have any of that analyzing or thinkin’ with Josh, that’s for sure.
Seriously, she doesn’t like him because he made her think about things. That’s what’s being said right now.
Nick tries to burn her with a “every time you responded to me, I thought you meant it”. Then he goes, “Is this more about us or someone else?” GREAT QUESTION, NICK! All that pesky thinking again, what an a-hole. She pauses for a long time and just says “I’m sorry”.
Can I just say that if this was me and I was head over heels in love with Josh, I would say “I really like you, but I’m just madly in love with Josh and I can’t see myself with anyone else”. She doesn’t say that.
This doesn’t last as long as others have. They hug goodbye. Andi walks out into the rain. Nick cries.
Chris Harrison tells us that Nick has repeatedly tried to talk to Andi since this happened and she has refused. Interesting.
Andi awaits trophy boy in a white dress and terrible hair. I think she’s just wearing a bed sheet attached to a necklace. Anyway, it’s not flattering.
Remember how terrible it was at Josh’s hometown? “Every Sunday we have to go to Aaron’s games…”
Josh: “When I decided to give up my first love, baseball, all those years ago, a big reason why was because there was a greater love that existed somewhere…” Oh, I thought it was because you were a .200 hitter, couldn’t field your position, or hit a curve, and wanted nothing more in life than to lick your brother’s testicles?
He gives a big speech and starts talking like a black guy at the end of it. Poor Marquel.
Andi tells Josh she loves him, and knew it from the first moment she saw him. Um, then why did you torture us with 11 episodes?! Those weeks could’ve been spent with the Bachelors in Paradise!!
Josh gets on one knee, “Andi Jeanette Dorfman…” man, I can’t take that name seriously. Dorfman. She says yes, because Atlanta.
Ugh, she keeps saying “forever” and makes him say it too. Cause she’s insecure about him. She’s a sad person.
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
There’s a whole video showing Nick and his depression. Worst part is, he wasn’t there to make friends! He’s got nothing now. He went to LA to confront Andi at the Men Tell All and she wouldn’t see him. And then he gave her the letter we saw last week. Dude! You can do way better. You don’t want someone who chooses Josh.
Andi comes out for the big confrontation. Andi puts on her dumb, serious mouth face, but you know she’s loving every second of this. Her whole life was wanting to be the pretty girl and now here she is with 2 guys fawning for her attention. Nick really has nothing to say and just mumbles about the letter. She says stuff back, and then admits that she was never in love with him.
Ouch. Now she’s claiming Josh was “the greater love”.
OH SHIT!!: Nick: “If you weren’t in love with me, I’m not sure why…you made love with me”. Damn! This gets murmurs from the audience, and Andi calls it “below the belt”. Well yes, Andi, below the belt is usually where fucking occurs.
That was kind of amazing. He broke the first and only rule of the fantasy suite, which is don’t talk about the fantasy suite.
Sure, Nick, you’ve only slept with girls you were in love with. Right. Calm down, dude. I’m with Andi on this one, she broke up with him in the coolest way possible. She didn’t make him go to the end, get down on a knee, etc. Nick’s being a complete dickhead.
Bachelor in Paradise sneak peek! My eyes must be screwing with me, I swear I just saw Michele Money making out with ugly ass, human troll doll Cody.
Josh comes out, with a “WHOA!” Easy there, Joey Lawrence. Chris says how it’s so crazy that they live 5 minutes apart. Gee, that is quite a coincidence. And also her whole reason for liking him. Andi wanted a convenient trophy husband and that’s what she got. She won’t be challenged in any way and that’s how she likes it.
I wonder if Josh heard that part about how Andi banged Nick the night before she banged him. Cause he seems pretty exuberant for a dude who just heard that.
Harrison brings up the “pregnancy rumors”. Hey, that could easily be Nick’s baby. Just saying.
Ha! Harrison brings up Andi’s “well documented frown”. I guess they don’t realize that’s not a flattering thing. It’s like saying, “Josh, everyone knows about your well documented incestuous homosexual love for your brother…”
Finally! We’re done. We can finally move on to important things, in paradise…see you next week!!