I Am the News

E! News is garbage. I mean, straight up, unwatchable trash. But occasionally, it is playing on my television. And I see it, and I hear it, and I am enthralled by it. How is this a show? How is this news?! They call it news! News is in the damn title of the show! Every “story” is inane. Most of it just comes from looking at celebrities’ Instagrams. We can all just follow their Instagrams! That’s what Instagrams are for. For following.

I was pondering this recently, and I tweeted “I wonder if E! News has a “Spotlight” team”.

Two days later, on Friday the 8th, I had a meeting. I was wandering around, looking for the people I was supposed to meet, and I accidentally went into this weird back room of the restaurant. A tall, tall woman was walking towards me, and because of my girlfriend’s prediliction for all things “Dash”, I immediately recognized it was Kendall Jenner.

“Heh”, I thought, that’s a darn good sighting. Can’t wait to boast about this when I get home (my usual boasts are usually about ping pong).

Right behind Kendall was a dirty looking guy. Looked like he hadn’t showered in days. With long hair and oddly, overly buff. Like, the kind of guy that shouldn’t be buff, but for some reason is. And because of the proximity to Kendall, I knew it was that bloke from “One Direction” (been watching a lot of British shows lately. Still figuring out how to work “me Granny” in a sentence).

So I’m standing there, trying to find my meeting, and just hanging next to Kendall and Harry Styles for about ten seconds. I realized I was in the wrong place, and possibly a groupie and it was time to go back to the other room. But they were leaving too. So they start walking, then I start walking, and I start imagining scenarios where my girlfriend doesn’t believe this sighting. So I did what any good paparazzi/weirdo/stalker would do, I pretended to text while taking a couple pictures of them.

I had my meeting. Then I headed home. Then I looked at the pictures and realized I am naturally talented at so many things! It’s not just ping pong, folks. No sir. I could go pro in paparrazo. Cause in one of the shots Kendall sorta turned around and there’s a mirror, it’s just gorgeous imagery. I’m Irwin Leibovitz. Since you could actually tell who it was, and because normally the only cool photos I have are of Mr. Peach, I put the picture on Instagram.

Ugh! These fuckers crashed my lunch again #kendalljenner #harrystyles #Hendallstein

A photo posted by @irwinhandleman on Apr 8, 2016 at 2:57pm PDT

//platform.instagram.com/en_US/embeds.js

About ten minutes later, my attention starved self wondered, “I wonder if anyone has liked it yet?!” I went back on Instagram and… nothing. BUT, there was something, it was just delayed, because over a hundred people had already liked it! Keep in mind, my most liked photo before this was three for a filtered shot of a delicious pork loin I once cooked. So this was big!

And the flood just kept coming. Likes and comments. I had forgotten that Kendall was supposedly seeing Jordan Clarkson now. Or that there was any question about who was dating who. In short, I had no idea that I had stumbled upon E! News’ wet dream. And that my tweet had become prophecy.  Because…

I AM the E! News Spotlight Team!

I also didn’t realize another thing: people can just steal your shit! My picture started popping up everywhere, with others taking credit for it! It was on People Magazine.com under someone else’s Instagram. And about a thousand other places, including Perez and whatever the fuck Celebuzz and Popsugar are.

US Weekly contacted me. A bunch of British sites/magazines contacted me. And guess who else did?

E! Motherfucking News.

But I gave them nothing. Because I have a responsibility to you guys. My long suffering fans. Everyone wanted this story, and you got it. An exclusive! I’m your Cronkite.