This is a classic. This might be the first thing in my obit. Believe it or not, I’ve actually received thousands of e-mails from women thanking me for setting them straight on this issue. Okay, don’t believe that cause it isn’t true. I actually have received a few e-mails from ladies who were dissuaded from getting bangs because of this post. And if I change just one woman’s life destroying bangs decision, well, then it was all worth it…
We don’t. And we’re actually pretty serious about it. And yet, much to my chagrin, it seems like bangs are the new high waisted pant. So let me very clear: Guys do not like bangs.
I know what you’re thinking, “not all guys”. Yes, all guys! “But my boyfriend loves mine”. He’s lying, bitch!
Even the very few women that look okay with bangs, would look better without bangs. That is undisputed fact. You know what’s scary? I don’t know which I’d more prefer: a world without dogs or a world without bangs. Okay, I’d want the dog-free world, but bangs is up there!
Maybe it’s our fault that you do all these unattractive things to yourselves. The worst of us is making you believe that we want to have sex with you no matter what. It ain’t true.
Listen, I’m not trying to hate here, I’m just giving you what me and my homies call “real talk”. Let me sum up with this example: have you ever looked at an old, embarrassing picture of yourself and said “Oh my God, look at those non-bangs! What was I thinking? I should’ve had bangs there!”
No, that’s never happened ever. And if you say it has you’re a liar and a bang haver and part of the problem. But you know you’ve looked at an old, embarrassing picture of yourself and said “those bangs are horrible”!
Now just apply that statement to always and we’ll be cool.
Since many of you got hung up on the funny bangs/mullet photo from the earlier post, I thought I’d show some other examples. If any of you wanna try and say that these people look better with bangs, bring it on. But I guarantee no heterosexual male thinks so.
MY BANGS ORIGIN STORY
That is Emily Valentine from Beverly Hills 90210. The year was 1995. Brandon Walsh was happily with Kelly Taylor. But for some unknown reason, he decided to reconnect with his long lost ex-girlfriend, and love of his life, Emily Valentine. And on that same very night, there was a house party where a fire broke out and Kelly Taylor burned her neck.
Now, never mind that Emily Valentine was never really the love of his life, and was in fact, a complete psycho hose beast who secretly drugged Brandon, crank called his house 5,000 times, and tried to burn the senior float down.
And never mind that the Brandon Walsh that I know, was always a super cool guy who always did the right thing (except for that time he got a DUI), and would never cheat on his lady.
Never mind those two things…you’re trying to tell me that Brandon would risk his relationship with Kelly for those awful, awful bangs! Impossible.
That is the worst haircut I’ve ever seen. And I saw it while still in my formative years. It had to have an effect on me. I guess what I’m trying to say is…
Emily Valentine ruined bangs for everyone.