#TBT Tattooed Titties

NOTE: These were posted in August of 2008. Comedy Central had a show with David Alan Grier called “Chocolate News”, it was like a spoof of 60 Minutes but if 60 Minutes only covered black stories. The show was nearing the end of its first season and was looking for another writer. They asked for 3 rant style monologues for David Alan Grier, I guess all taking the form of what David was “flowing on and ending with “have you lost your damn mind?!”

No problem, I thought. What I didn’t know when I wrote them was that I would have to go into a room with David Alan Grier (and a couple other producers), and “perform” these things myself. This never happens. It’s an insane request. I am a writer. If I could perform them, you can be damned sure I’d be on television or a stage and not in a room with David Alan Grier. 

I really couldn’t believe it. It was especially annoying because I’m a good fucking writer and wrote them in a black man’s voice. And I don’t know if you know this, but it’s generally not a good idea to do a “black voice” in front of a black guy. 

Anyway, I didn’t get the job, but I love my rants so fuck David Alan Grier. Here’s 1 of them: 

 

This is a public service message from me to all my Nubian sisters out there…Stop putting tattoos on your titties! According to research done by me, 87 percent of tattooed titties are African American. You’re always complaining about black men going out with white girls or asian girls, it’s because we like a clean titty! That’s right, sisters, leave that canvas blank for us to paint our own picture.

And that’s what I’m flowing on today: Black women who are always getting down on the black man for dating outside the race. Well I gotta believe that tattooed titties is part of it, but there’s also this: a real study just came out that says that 78% of black women are obese.

I know the stereotype is that we like our women big, but really, the only place we like obesity…is in yo ass. Contain the obesity to your ass area, please. Sir Mix a Lot wasn’t rapping about your thighs!

Seriously, it’s just wrong. I mean, you got the Ray Ray tattoo in 12 point courier new font, two years later it’s lookin’ like 36 point times new roman.

78 percent obesity? That means that 8 in 10 Venus’s will soon turn into super sized Serena’s! It’s gotten so bad that the government has had to step in and ban fast food joints from South Central LA. That’s right, the city of Los Angeles will not allow fast food in South Central because of the obesity problem. Now I don’t know if the Government invented crack or gave us AIDS, but at least they’re trying to save your Type 2 diabetes from the Hamburgler.

And you all wanna get mad at us for dating outside our race? Obese black women with tattooed titties, have you lost your Damn mind!

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