This is going to be a tough one. Jimmy Kimmel is “taking over” tonight, whatever that means. Not as fun to do comedy on what is trying to be comedy. But I’ll give it a shot, and I’ll do it all without saying the “r” word! Even though I want to! This is a safe space, ladies.
Chris sleeps, and in an interesting development, he’s a snorer. I guess on the farm, no one can hear you breathe. Jimmy Kimmel comes in and wakes him up. Hey, this is the same way he hired his head writer!
Next, Jimmy goes over to the ladies’ casa and says hello. This is their reaction:
But yeah, I’m sure they’re all here for the “right reasons”, and not to, you know, get famous or anything.
Harrison is rocking a sporty casual look, never did that when he was married. You know he’s throwing sideways glances at the lovely Britt.
The first one on one is with Kaitlyn. From the clues, the women keep saying that the date “sounds extravagant”. It’s like someone fed them that phrase and now they keep repeating it, kinda like what Roger Ailes does with the Republican talking points. Of course, it’s a big setup! Because their limo pulls up to Costco. Oh, you got me there, Bachelor. I was thinking helicopter and chandeliers and general extravagance. Totally didn’t see that coming. Except for it was in all the commercials.
Actually, this is a pretty solid idea. If there had been a Costco date on Juan Pablo’s season it would’ve saved us 3 months of our lives because all of the women would’ve immediately quit.
You’d expect Chris and Kaitlyn to put a good face on all of this and act like they are such great sports, instead they are being totally bitter about it. Which is enjoyable. They’re clearly both here for the repelling down building dates.
Chris: “We made the best of it”. Love the idea of starving Africans watching this going, “you made the best of it?!!! In a giant, air conditioned building filled with treats!” And then running from Boko Haram again.
Chris to Kaitlyn: “It says a lot about who you are”. That she can not cry like a little bitch because she has to spend the day shopping at Costco for a highly rated television show? What a show of character! Kaitlyn’s a lot like the guy from Unbroken. She’s Kaitlyn Zamperini.
Meanwhile, these two seem pretty damn comfortable together. Chris: “I really hope that Jimmy Kimmel doesn’t show up”. You took the words right out of my mouth, buddy!
Ha! Kaitlyn calls Jimmy “kind of an asshole”. End the show, we have a winner.
I’ll say this for Jimmy, he gets the weird admission from Kaitlyn that she’s dated farmers in the past. Seriously? Was it John Cougar Mellencamp? Cause that’s the only other farmer I know. And Farmer Ted.
Another good question! He asks about the fantasy suite situation, and if she’ll be mad if he goes there with the other girls and has sex with all of them. She says she’ll be fine with it. I really don’t need to see any other dates, she’s got it locked up. Kimmel sits awkwardly between them, and advises Chris to have sex with everyone, and there’s talk of a threesome, and I’m assuming these will be the only laughs these women will have on any of the dates because Chris is a farmer from Iowa.
Remember that time Johnny Carson guest starred on The Bachelor?
“I like Kaitlyn because she’s real” he says as they show her walking around in a bikini and getting into a hot tub.
Group date. It’s on a fake farm. Kimmel thinks it’s important that the girls know how to farm, which is reasonable. Especially because he’s going to make them shovel shit and wrestle a pig. The annoying buff girl is there and she’s excited. Of course she is, because lifting things doesn’t involve having a personality or being likable.
Buff girl, Jillian, always wears shorts that show her ass so they have to put a black blur over it. We owe the black bar a debt of gratitude.
They have to milk a goat and then chug 8 ounces of the stuff. I would’ve been out long ago, I mean, before even auditioning for this show. But these ladies throw themselves into it, and Carly goes into full on Beast Mode. She’s like Marshawn Lynch but instead of shucking would be tacklers, it’s corn. And then we get the most direct semen reference in Bachelor history! The (maybe) black girl, Amber, says “I’m kinda glad I didn’t have to drink the milk, it’s salty and warm, it’s not stuff I want in my mouth”. Amber, you’ve been eliminated. Also because you’re (maybe) black.
Somehow, Carly beats out Buff/Ass girl and grabs the final pig. I don’t think Jillian’s ever going to be welcome in her cross fit gym again after that performance. But the good news is her body is still manly.
Should be mentioned: Carly is a cruise ship director. I only respect that if it’s the NKOTB cruise.
Then they show a montage of Chris making out with everyone, and he says that’s what he’s there for. Yep. The 21 year old with the kid is offended because she thought she was “special”. She confronts Chris and he goes speechless. Her boldness infects Britt, who is used to guys only paying attention to her. Especially on prime rib night at Fleming’s.
Chris has to give out the group date rose. Becca refused to kiss him, would be awesome reverse psychology if he went with her…and he does!!! My man don’t like sluts. That don’t play in Iowa. He’s fucking with all of you hos.
The final date is with Whitney, who is a fertility nurse and hadn’t been on a date with him before. They’re both wearing pink. Chris tells her he’s looking for a woman who will “roll the cob”, which allegedly means going with the flow but actually means “Professional Ghosts in the Graveyard Player”.
Oh no. They see a wedding nearby and Whitney, rolling with the cob, announces they should “crash it”. Oh snap, she just rolled the shit out of that! But then she says it’s because “yolo”, which earns a hearty laugh from Chris. Because yolo just got to Iowa.
It’s sort of interesting that they’re not playing up the fact that Chris is a millionaire. I wonder if he doesn’t want that because it would expose the massive subsidies farmer’s get and how fucked up the US policy is towards– just kidding, I don’t know anything about that. But still, it’s strange. He must not want that out there. Cause I mean, they do whole shows about dating millionaires, marrying millionaires, guys pretending to be millionaires.
They are making a big production about crashing this wedding. You know you have cameras with you, right? And what was the original plan for this date? I’m so confused. No one there knows he’s The Bachelor? Chris bumbles around awkwardly and can’t keep up with Whitney’s fake story about them being engaged, probably because he’s just a farmer and not Steve Martin in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.
Chris: “This girl is somebody who can roll the cob”. Would be awesome if it turned out that was actually an Iowa expression for sucking dick.
Maybe Kimmel had to go give his wife another title bump and couldn’t make it, so they had to switch to this wedding crashers bit.
Whitney definitely showed some promise on this date, and because you just know he’s looking for a plain Jane type who is parents will accept, I could see her having a chance with him. She gets the rose, and some warm, saltiness in her mouth.
Instead of the cocktail party, there’s a pool party. Ashley I. is upset because she was planning on wearing her “Kardashian look”. I appreciate that she knows what she is, but honey, every look of yours is a Kardashian look. While everyone gallivants half naked, Juelia pulls Chris aside to talk about suicide. Fun chick!
She talks about her husband killing himself. She didn’t know he had mental illness until a year after they were married. I think Chris has the same screening process. Just make out, roll the cob, make out, Ghosts in the Graveyard, and now we’re married and oh shit you’re a crazy person.
This girl is ruining the pool party for me! This story goes on forever, fuck. All of America just wants to see people in bathing suits. That’s all we ask for. We suffered through Kimmel for it. Instead, we get the Courtney Love True Hollywood Story. I’m sorry, I feel bad and everything, but this is not the time or place. Save it for a one on one date in like a month. But now? The day of the final rose ceremony. Everyone’s having fun. Knock it off.
Britt gets him alone and does the exact right thing and just makes out with him. She keeps that up and she might get promoted to assistant manager. But Jade tops her by asking for a tour of his house, and then test his bed out. And that’s what makes her Playboy material. She will go there! “I don’t need a fantasy suite, every suite is a fantasy suite if I’m in it!”, she says in my imagination.
Sadly, Jillian and her muscular ass trudges over too. She walks exactly like Ted Dibiase, the Million Dollar Man. She waits in the hot tub alone while Chris and Jade make out on his bed. Jillian’s ass is on whatever Barry Bonds’ head was on. He comes out there and she kisses him and he does not seem into it at all. His dick is probably thinking how she can power lift him. He’d rather she clean and jerk anything else.
Kardashian and some other girls get annoyed because Jillian won’t fucking skidaddle. America agrees with you. But then Kardashian cries about it and loses our sympathy. But guess what she’s hot so who gives a fuck. She gets him alone and craphs – laugh/cries – and it’s not attractive and she knows it so she just goes for the make out. He’s a simple man. With simple needs. So this strategy is successful.
There’s this one girl on the show who never talks but looks so, so old. And every time they cut to her I’m momentarily shocked and then assume it’s one of the producer’s or like a housekeeper or something, but then remember that it’s that one old lady who has no business on the show.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
The best part of Kimmel being on here was him constantly telling Chris that he’s terrible at talking.
JADE – abc – always be closing (and showing your boobs)
SAMANTHA – barely remember her
JUELIA – you only get to pull the suicide card once
MACKENZIE – she’s really awful and is only hanging on by cuteness and the other girls sucking
KELSIE (?) – I never once had trouble understanding Juan Pablo when he said the girls names, and he didn’t speak English and was borderline retarded. I honestly can’t understand the names Chris is saying. Open your mouth, dude. Annunciate!
BRITT – yes, please
MEGAN – the makeup artist who needs a lot of makeup and better dress choices
CARLY – she can farm
ASHLEY S – are you fucking kidding me? The girl who is possessed by satan??
NIKKI – she’s like a slightly better Jillian
JILLIAN – she’s like a worse everything
ASHLEY I – thank God.
Okay, the old lady is finally gone. As is Tracy, the cute teacher who never spoke a single word. And know who else is toast? The only minority there! Who could’ve seen that coming? Damn she got an ass tho. That should’ve been played up more. She’s a 29 year old bartender so her life is almost completely over. With any luck she’ll go back to Chicago and marry Julius Peppers.
They don’t even let the old broad talk! Or Tracy. Cause she was born without a tongue.
Next week: remember JFK and the grassy knoll? Well, on this show there’s a 2nd virgin! And a blow job in a tent. The episode we’ve all been waiting for! Until then, goodnight.