God damn I love fantasy football! I devote an embarrassing amount of hours to it every year, and I never regret a second of it. Especially this year, when once again my team “Pay My Mortgage”, took home the crown. It’s perhaps the greatest feeling known to man. You know how people say, “well, except of course when my kids were born”. No, fuck when your kids were born!!! This is better. And it doesn’t include all that shit and disgustingness that comes out of your body when your kids were born.
I’d like to thank everyone who made it possible:
Ryan Tannehill, Demaryius Thomas, Emmanuel Sanders, Jeremy Hill, Tre Mason, Travis Kelce, Kelvin Benjamin, Isaiah Crowell, Andre Ellington, Kenny Stills, Jordan Reed, Colin Kaepernick, RGIII, Ben Tate, CJ Spiller, Jordan Cameron, Charles Johnson, Cordarrelle Patterson, Martavis Bryant, Eric Weddle, Derrick Johnson, Curtis Lofton, Michael Griffin, Lavonte David, Jerod Mayo, Jelani Jenkins, Tyvon Branch, Nick Novak, Mason Crosby, and last but certainly not least, the Bills, Bengals, 49ers, and Patriots D. A special shout out to Chris Borland who came in at midseason and just destroyed fools. And Eric Berry, who got fucking cancer during the season. Get well, bruh! Pay My Mortgage is a family and we are all thinking of you.
I posted a message on our fantasy board, reflecting on this year, that I’d like to share with you. I think it fits nicely with this holiday season of giving…
I’d like to thank you for participating in this year’s fantasy season. You provided quite a challenge for my championship team, but ultimately, true talent and gamesmanship prevailed. This season, you attempted to level the playing field by installing a snake draft. The auction draft proved too challenging for many of you, probably because you don’t like having to make decisions for yourself. And with the snaking format, you could follow along with the Yahoo! rankings and just blindly pick whoever other people told you to pick. You set up a system that took away the “thinking” that you find so difficult.
Fortunately, it’s not quite as easy during the season, and that’s where my “special set of skills” really kicked in. I knew about Tre Mason before you. I had Ben Tate, and yet you allowed me to scoop up Isaiah Crowell. You dropped Ryan Tannehill, he won me the championship. I was stuck with a Bengals defense drowning in negative points, and yet the Buffalo Bills were still sitting there in free agency. In what was perhaps my greatest master stroke, Chris Borland was set to explode into the greatest IDP star in fantasy history, and my advanced scouts already had him in my queue.
In short, I built one of the deepest fantasy rosters this league may ever see. My backups could’ve finished 5th.
The road was not without its bumps. Demaryius Thomas, my number 1 pick, got off to a slow start. Norv Turner couldn’t figure out how to properly use Cordarrelle Patterson. Greg Roman put a leash on Colin Kapernick when all that super talented kid wanted to do was let those long legs stretch! My linebackers and DBs set the record for most trips to the IR. But that stuff will happen during any fantasy season. It’s the measure of a truly great owner to overcome these obstacles and prevail in the end. Which I did, which I did.
To those who would say I got “lucky”, let me remind you that I’ve won the championship in this league more times than any of you. Not only that, last year my team had the first and only 10-0 start in fantasy history. My track record of success is clear. My agents at UTA have informed me that several teams have reached out about filling their GM positions, but I had to tell them I was too focused on my day job, making America smile.
So once again, thank you, thank you all, for another year of Paying My Mortgage (well, a tiny portion of my mortgage, obviously my Hermosa estate costs quite a bit more a month than this pittance, but still…)
To all the haters, I kindly invite you to eat a dick…
Owner, Pay My Mortgage
Hope you guys have a great Christmas and Happy New Year!!!