Desiree the Bachelorette Who Lives in a Tent, Ep 1

Okay, The Bachelorette, 2 days later. I think the central question of this season will be: is Desiree worthy of all this?

We knew Ben wasn’t. We knew Emily kinda was. We knew Brad was…twice! But is Desiree? We can’t say she’s Jillian level awful. Then again, we also can’t say she’s even a Jen Schefft. So which is it?

What kind of guys will come out of the woodwork for her? Will we have guys eliminating themselves, as girls did to Ben? We don’t know! So let’s find out if “Dez” is a quirky, tent loving hottie, or if she’s basically a glorified homeless person with a jealous boyfriend who is also her brother…

Uh oh, just as I write that, the first shot of the episode is Dez pulling up, to no music, in a shitty, beat up car. It’s kind of depressing. A desirable lady rolls up in a limo, or at least an SUV. “I haven’t had the most extravagant life”. Maybe they are trying to build a Cinderella theme here, wouldn’t be surprised if Harrison makes her clean the fireplace for supper.

Dez seems to have her body in shape. I think ABC paid for an Equinox membership. Or better yet, maybe she did like Rocky in Rocky IV, and worked out in the woods outside her tent. You can picture Emily Maynard as Ivan Drago, working out with state of the art equipment and getting injected with the finest botox. Meanwhile, Dez is doing situps near a creek. 

Harrison hands her the keys to a convertible Bentley. Sorta weird. WHOA!!! Dez: “I feel like I’m Cinderella in the flesh”. I’m starting to freak myself out! Might be time for me to stop watching this show, it’s becoming a part of me.

Cut to: Montage of trying to convince us that Dez is good looking.

Dez, for the third time, “I’m like Cinderella”. How have I not been hired as a consultant? I’m 2 steps ahead of them at all times.

Dez tells us that if she wants to kiss a guy, she’s going to kiss a guy. But only if she has her brother’s permission first.

As has become customary, before they get to the limos, they show us some of the guys and their backgrounds.

There is an Iraq War Veteran, because of course there is. There is a black guy (!) to avoid another pesky discrimination lawsuit. He does hot yoga and high fives strangers. There’s a guy from Arizona who thinks he’s better looking than he is, and might be the next Pavelka. Yes, he’s too perfect! Oh, and his sister is mentally handicapped, which is good, because Dez’s brother is mentally handicapped. So much in common!

Another Bachelorette tradition: a douche from Chicago. That city does not get repped well on this show. And he’s a magician. Exactly. Yes, we will be seeing a card trick at the cocktail party later.

Zak has a nice body, hates clothes, and uses too many Crest White Strips. And there’s another guy who claims to have invented sign spinning. I wouldn’t brag about that.

There’s a guy who claims he’s “lived a lot of lives in 27 years”. And in all of those lives he’s been unemployed. Oh yey! An adrenaline junkie! Nothing more fun than going out with an adrenaline junkie, they’re known for being totally faithful and chill. Even better, his mom’s a drug addict, so he’s a completely stable bro.

LIMOS

It’s limo time. Keep in mind, my expertise is really The Bachelor. I can professionally tell you which of the 25 girls is good looking. But 25 guys? Not my strong suit. Don’t get me wrong, I can appreciate the beauty of a handsome man, I’m just not a certified expert. 

DREW, 27. A digital marketing analyst from Arizona. This is the Jake Pavelka guy. He’s a little too impressed by Dez. Not a good sign that they chose him to be first out of the limo.

BROOKS, 28. Another marketing guy. This one from Utah. And I can say definitively that he is strange looking. Something weird in the mouth area. He’s nervous too. These guys need to learn the “be totally unimpressed and treat girls like shit” trick.

BRAD, 27. An accountant. He is gay. There’s not even a question about this.

BRYDEN, 26. This is the war veteran, so we’re not allowed to make fun of his dumb name. His hair is terrible. He’s like a bad looking version of Vinny from the Jersey Shore. But we thank him for his service.

MICHAEL G., 33. A federal prosecutor. Finally, a dude with a legit sounding job and an attitude that says, “I wish the Bachelorette had been anyone else”. He does some gimmick with throwing a penny into a fountain. He looks like Scott Wolf’s gay brother.

KASEY, 29. He works in social media, you guys. So he looked up some things about Dez. Cause you have to work in social media to have access to the internet.

WILL, 28. The black, please don’t sue us, high five guy. I hate him so much. If he makes it to week 2, it’s only because of affirmative action.

MIKEY T., 30. He’s a plumbing contractor, er, plumber. He’s not attractive, and also he’s a plumber, but I have to give him credit because…he brings up her brother! Unfortunately, it’s to defend him. Fuck off, Mikey T. Also, you’re 30, stop with the Mikey.

JONATHAN, 26. A lawyer, with the creepiest “hello” of the bunch. He brings a fantasy suite card. It’s awesome. She hates him immediately.

ZAK, 31. Shirtless. He loves his abs, but I can’t see them because I’m distracted by the whiteness of his teeth.

JAMES, 27. Another advertising guy, and wannabe Don Draper. He’s a fucking creep! Seriously, where did they find this guy? He’s the worst. The cameras unintentionally catch Dez’s face as it starts to sink in how awful these dudes are:

LARRY, 34. An ER Doctor. He does a dance move, it goes awry. She rips her dress. Then he, in a Hannibal Lecter voice, says “I hope we get to dance again soon”. Seriously, what is happening right now?! It’s not just about their looks or their gimmicks, it’s that these guys are fucking dorks. Limo entrances have never been flubbed this badly before.

NICK, 26. It says he’s a Tailor/Magician. Is he a magic tailor? He fits your pants and then pulls a rabbit out of them.

ZACK K, 28. Book publisher? Yeah, sure. He’s wearing a tuxedo and Chuck Taylors. At least he’s wearing a shirt. Not good looking, but you could imagine Dez settling to his level at some point in her life.

DIOGO, 29. He walks up in a suit of armor. Then he takes the helmet off and can barely speak English, and really doesn’t say anything at all. I feel like this whole thing is a prank. These can’t be the real guys. One of the others calls Diogo, “Sir Crazy a Lot”.

CHRIS, 27. Great, he’s quaking in his boots because he is so nervous. He’s tall, I’ll give them out. He might be the favorite just for that. At least it’s a clear, positive attribute.

MIKE R, 28. He is gay. Not just a little gay, flaming.

ROBERT, 30. The sign spinner. He is easily the favorite to win it right now. When he meets the other guys, he is going to laugh, then wish he was on Emily’s season.

JUAN PABLO, 31. Former soccer player, but then, aren’t all Mexicans? Oh, he’s from Venezuela, same diff. He says his name over and over again to get her to pronounce it right. Thank God, he’s confident.

BRANDON, 26. A contractor. He rides up on a motorcycle. He’s pretty good looking and not nervous by Dez. I can’t believe that’s actually a rare quality, but it is. I think they held back with the better guys ’till later, cause the last 3 have been the best of the lot.

BRIAN, 29. A nice, normal seeming person.

MICAH, 32. A law student. Still? Jesus, get a job. He wears retarded clothing for some reason, so we’re back with the joke guys. You know what? Maybe they couldn’t find enough good dudes to be on the show for Dez, so they just decided to fill it out with complete weirdos to give us something to talk about.

NICK M, 27. He reads a poem and is mildly attractive.

DAN, 30. He says “I’m so glad it’s you”. A couple others have said that, and it’s the exact right thing to say. He looks like Jeff Probst, if Jeff Probst had his hair painted on.

BEN, 28. He uses his kid – his son Brody – as a prop. Smart move, cute prop. But also? He’s a terrible father. “Hey Brody, this is your new mom, and your new Uncle, who will murder you”.

COCKTAIL PARTY

It’s so funny how magicians don’t know that they are the worst and no one wants to hear from them. Nick tells the guys he’s gonna make Dez disappear and pulls her away. The creepiest dude in the house, Larry the dancing doctor, says he’s disappointed cause he “wanted to see a magic trick”.

Are all magicians 5’2″? Cause Nick is. He talked to her, in his words, for 45 seconds, but still can’t believe she didn’t give him a rose.

The guy with the addict Mom immediately spills the whole story to Dez. He says “you’ve been through this”. She has? Is the brother on more stuff besides meth? He gives her his mom’s sober coin or something, what? Doesn’t she need that?! Seems like way too big of a thing to hand out 2 minutes in.

Gay alert on Brooks.

Ben is determined to continue to use his kid as leverage for sex. He reveals he wasn’t married, and that it was more of “two friends having a baby together”. I think that’s called “an accident”. Or “my friend that I have sex with doesn’t believe in abortions”.

Ben gets the first rose, cause he has a kid that he is not afraid to shamelessly exploit.

Shirtless bro jumps in the pool. Is shocked that it doesn’t win her over.

And then, complete madness happens. Dez is walking in the living room, Shirtless is sitting on the couch, awkwardly. She stops, grabs a rose, and hands it to him “and you get a rose for jumping in”. Huh? You’re losing us, Dez, you’re losing us.

The Iraq Veteran is now using his war service to distract Dez from his bangs. She knows that this will air on Memorial Day and is forced to give him a rose.

While doing so, she calls him “timid”.

Dez is turned on by Juan Pablo’s accent. Honestly, she’s just attracted to this guy because he acts like he knows what he is doing and isn’t intimidated by her in the least.

Drew gets her alone and the first thing he mentions is how nervous he is. Fellas, have you ever talked to a woman in your life? Pick up a Cosmo, for God’s sake. Luckily, everyone else is even worse, so he gets a rose.

Larry/Hannibal Lecter, knows he made a terrible first impression. He attempts to make up for it by making a terrible second impression. “I definitely watched you on your season”. Someone please check his basement for missing children, we might have an Ariel Castro situation on our hands.

At least Larry knew he blew it, but the Fantasy Suite Card doesn’t even realize it. He’s still pushing it. Even Larry is scoffing at his obliviousness. But I will say, I’m pretty sure he’s on here as a goof.

“My mom says I’m good looking”

But why would you want to get this reputation in front of a national audience? She asks him to leave immediately. The whole thing was weird. Do you know how rigorously they cast these guys? That wasn’t an accident on anyone’s part. I’m convinced it was a joke.

I have to say, it’s always enjoyable in group shots to see the poor shirtless guy standing in the background, shirtless.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

BRANDON – a no brainer.

ZACK K – nothing offensive about him

WILL, THE BLACK GUY – hit the quota

BROOKS – this speaks to how poor the level of guys is. Brooks is a disaster.

JUAN PABLO – her brother is going to hate this foreigner

BRAD – wisely stayed under the radar during the cocktail party

KASEY – might be a dark horse

JAMES – ugh

ROBERT – among these idiots, he might as well be Leonardo DiCaprio

BRIAN – unspectacular in every way, so he’s a favorite

DAN – Probst!

CHRIS – tallness wins out every time

Final rose, and she literally has to choose from Larry, The Magician, the Armor Suit weirdo, and…

MIKEY – by process of elimination.

Every guy that went home should be monitored by the FBI. I’m not even joking, they are suspicious characters. That’s how bad things are. Larry still thinks trying to dip her was the reason he went home, and not the fact that he rapes and murders children (allegedly).

Nick, I’m with you, buddy. I don’t know how she could say no to a midget magician either. She’s a fool! Maybe it’s your side gig as a tailor that turned her off. Gotta go full time magician, man!

Diogo: “I’m completely lost, I don’t know what to do…I was willing to put on the suit”. Oh my God! I beg the federal authorities to follow him, he is deranged.

This season on The Bachelorette…Brody’s Dad is actually a dick. Someone has a girlfriend. James think he’s gonna be the next Bachelor – HA HA HA. That is funny shit. Dez can’t handle it…but then she can and falls in love! And it will last weeks if not months!

Sorry it was late. I’m very, very disappointed we didn’t see the brother, but I guess I’ll see you next week.

4 thoughts on “Desiree the Bachelorette Who Lives in a Tent, Ep 1

  1. Have you asked (ordered? demanded? hinted?) Team Handleman to pitch you as a “Bruce Vilanch with pathos” for at least the Behind the Rose special. (I don't have a team so I don't know what verb to use.)

  2. Did you catch the part where she was talking to one of the guys and she said they had a lot in common because she “grew up camping” too…. Someone should tell her camping and living in a tent are different things

  3. I didn't plan on watching this season of The Bachelorette because I have absolutely no interest in Desiree, but while I was reading this recap I couldn't stop laughing. This cast sounds so terrible, I have to see it for myself.

  4. Bahahaha! Love it. And you're totally right with your observation about the Chicago dudes. It's magically ridiculous.

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