Oh man, I do not want to be doing this. I’d be feeling so good about things if I was settling in right now to watch one of the Schantawlles. Or even better, if Brad and Emily would just admit they’ve never been a couple and she was the Bachelorette. But no, it’s Ashley, the Bachelorette no one wanted but we are getting anyway.
First, there’s a montage reintroducing us to Ashley. They show her in dance class, and it’s like they are begging us to think she’s attractive. It ends with her running up some steps like Rocky. Only one problem: Rocky didn’t have bangs.
They also give us a mini preview, and one of the Bachelors seems to hate Ashley. Then he says “I’d feel better if the Bachelorette was Emily”. Join the club, guy.
They “pre”introduce us to a few of the guys before the limo perp walk. One of the fellas is Ryan, who is a “Solar Energy Executive”, and to prove it, he walks around some solar cells holding blue prints.
There’s also Bentley. He has a daughter named Cozy. Oh Lord. He’s the dude who’s going to be the villain because he secretly hates Ashley. Me and Bentley going to get along just fine.
And then we meet Anthony, who is from New York and a butcher. He’s also a stereotype.
Shit. There’s a guy with a dead wife. I’m guessing we’re gonna be hearing about that constantly. But how perfect would he have been for Emily?!!
Another guy has a dead alcoholic dad. I’m sure that won’t come up later.
Finally, it’s limo time. Ashley is wearing a dress that is supposed to show cleavage, but instead shows a Donna Martin-esque hole in her chest. That plus bangs equals boner murder.
Ashley tells Chris that someone already called her and told her that a guy named Bentley was coming on the show for “the wrong reasons”. So she already knows, bummer. Of course, there’s a strong chance that there will be multiple Bentleys.
Here we go:
RYAN, 31. The solar energy guy. He’s first out of the limo so they obviously think highly of him. Where are his prop blueprints?
JON, 26. An e-commerce executive, so he’s unemployed. He picks Ashley up and carries her away. Gimmicks!
LUCAS, 30. From Texas. He looks 40.
WILLIAM, 30. It says he’s a “Cell Phone Salesman”. My friend used to sell cell phones…when he was 22.
MICKEY, 31. A chef. He walks up to her and tries to make out with her. I’m not kidding.
TIM, 35. A liquor distributor. Jesus Christ, we are the same age?! Holy God, he looks like crap. I’m depressed.
BEN, 28. A lawyer from New York. He speaks French to her. Not sure what he said, but I assume it was something about tort reform.
STEPHEN, 27. A hairstylist from Manhattan Beach. His hair is ridiculous, and he looks like Jason Schwartzman. What’s up with your nose? I got punched in the face what’s your excuse?
CHRIS D., 25. He reads a poem he wrote. He’s gonna get the “too young” label.
WEST, 30. Another lawyer. And let the weird names begin. Jesus, baby boomers, you didn’t do us any favors, did you? Oh yeah, he’s the guy with the dead wife.
ANTHONY, 28. The butcher. He’s horrible to look at, let’s hope the baker and the candlestick maker are better.
ROB, 27. He’s a dork.
AMES, 31. Gay.
MATT, 28. He sells office supplies. His gimmick is teaching Ashley a handshake. I guess this is the closest we’re gonna get to a black person tonight.
JEFF, 35. He is wearing a mask. He tells her that he wants to “take his face out of the game”. He’s gonna wear the mask all night. Anyone who does that is obviously ugly.
BEN F., 28. He’s also unemployed, but says he’s a “winemaker”. He seems all right.
FRANK, 29. He also lifts her up. Uh, someone already did that, pal.
MICHAEL, 29. He’s got an opener: “This is the first time I’ve been excited to see a dentist”. Okay, okay.
CHRIS M., 27. He’s from Canada, with a crazy Canadian accent.
RYAN M., 27. I cannot tell the difference between him and the other Ryan. He brought a camera and makes her take pictures. I hope he’s aware that this is being filmed.
JP, 34. Feels like the editing is pushing him as a guy to watch. He’s got a shaved head and says he brought no props to impress her. That’s not bad in my book.
NICK, 26. A personal trainer from Florida. He also reads a poem. God I hate him and his frosted tips.
BLAKE, 27. A fellow dentist. He chooses not to reveal that off the bat, and I respect him for it.
BENTLEY, 28. The vaunted Bentley. It says he’s a “businessman”. Ashley isn’t going to give away that she “knows”. Let the games begin.
CONSTANTINE, 30. A restaurant owner. He kinda looks like the wine guy. He brought floss. I’m pretty sure no one who has ever “won” this show has ever done garbage like this. When you’re someone like Brad, your gimmick is your dreamy pecs.
And those are the guys. I have to say they seem a lot better than in Ali’s season. Those dudes were awful. Well, except for Frog Voice.
Ryan the Solar Guy immediately steals Ashley away for some alone time. He tells her “out of everyone it could potentially be, I’m so excited that you’re here”. That was one of Ashley’s biggest fears. I love that she knew that everyone wanted it to be someone else.
I’m getting a major gay vibe from this guy. He’s a complete closet case, I look forward to making fun of him as we go forward. Ashley calls him the whole package, he’s definitely here for the right reasons, if the right reasons are cock.
The wine guy is next. He admits that he has some shitty internet job, and does the winery “part time”. Saw that coming from a mile away, but then, I’m a veteran.
Next up is Matt. In a set up bit, they call his mom. And just when I think it’s a lame move, the mom pulls out a zinger. She goes “when you forego your individual rooms for the fantasy suite…”. I love the Bachelor knowledge, she quoted it word for word, and told Ashley to make sure they use protection. Her protection is her bangs.
Guitar time. Another curveball! A guy pulls out a guitar, gets Ashley alone, and then tosses the guitar in the pool and says he doesn’t play. Oh man, I like that people are finally admitting they watch this show all the time and fuck with the format. That only took 20 seasons.
Tim the asshole New Yorker with the annoying accent is “creeped” out by the mask guy. Speaking of that, I prefer “The Mask” to “Mask”, cause Stoltz creeped me out.
Ashley gets some alone time with Tim and he can’t talk. I guess he’s drunk. He probably had to drink to sooth his nerves from being around the mask guy. Also, his occupation is “liquor distributor”. He really takes his work home with him.
Damn, he is hammered. Some guy says this about Tim “if you can’t take the heat, get out of the oven”. What the hell is that guy doing hanging out in ovens?!
Tim passes out and is snoring. They send Ashley over to laugh at him.
Then she brings all the other guys over so she can eliminate him. They carry him outside and put him in a mini van. He’s not even limo worthy! What an insult.
Jeff the Mask Guy finally gets his moment. He says that he’s doing it because what’s on the outside isn’t important, but really he wants to stand out and be different. In an interview to us, Ashley says “it’s not just a gimmick to get my attention”. Really? Cause he kinda just said it was.
JP looks like Joseph Gordon Levitt if Joseph Gordon Levitt had human ears.
Ashley talks to Bentley, and even though she knows why he’s here, he lies to her face and she believes every word. Women!
The first impression rose goes to…
Ryan the gay guy. Women!
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
The front runners at this point are JP and William.
JEFF THE MASK GUY – first choice! You see, cause it’s not all about looks for Ashley…until episode 2.
CONSTANTINE – Isn’t that an awful Keanu Reeves movie?
BEN F. – The not really a wine guy.
CHRIS – The guy who looks 10 years older than everyone else.
STEPHEN – The not really Jason Schwartzman guy.
MATT – The alive yet funny mom guy.
NICK – The personal trainer.
CHRIS D. – Too young, but okay for now.
OTHER RYAN – At least he’s straight.
BLAKE – I have no memory of him.
MICKEY – Isn’t he the guy who tried to make out with her and she recoiled in horror? Even she’s forgetting who these guys are at this point.
BEN C. – Square face.
WEST – You know what that means…dead wife stories next week.
WILLIAM – A strong dark horse contender.
JP – Yep.
AMES – Ryan is so gay that I forgot about this gay guy.
BENTLEY – The previews gave this one away, so there was no drama for this choice. Nice job, producers.
No big surprises. Anthony the Stereotype got the axe, but he seemed like a weirdo. He says “I’ve been single for 7 years”. Weird, I thought women would be clamoring for a strange butcher.
Coming up this season…
They’re going to Vegas, Thailand, Taiwan…this show is turning into the Amazing Race. Where’s Phil?
The guy in the mask shits with his mask on. I love that they got that shot.
Oh, and there’s the standard “ambulance” b-roll.
And of course, there’s lots and lots of crying. I really hope this plays out as they’re advertising and Bentley fools Ashley and then crushes her. Because she was completely warned and knew it was coming, so it’s all on her.
But we’ll see, hope you’re on board with me, or else I will be happy to jump ship…